笑府卷十一
Chapter 11
謬誤部^
墨憨子曰。嘗聞詞隱先生論曲。家之誤云。有名周惟盛者。吳音盛與臟同。因呼為周惟臟。後又譌為周皮匠。未幾逕稱為周師父矣。又有童子報新聞于主人曰。頃過學院門。見一黑面秀才。倒步而入背宗師而跪。宗師命扑其肚皮。是何為也。主人疑而察之。則一士以反帶儒巾被責耳。事之可笑多124有若此。何必聚三十六州鐵。乃打成一錯乎。集謬誤部。
訟失牛^
The stolen cow
有訟失牛于官者。官問幾時失的。荅以明日。吏不覺失笑。官怒。指吏曰。是你偷在那裡。吏乃灑兩袖曰。憑老爺搜。
A man came before a magistrate to report that his cow had been stolen. The magistrate asked him when the cow was stolen, and he answered: "Tomorrow." A court subordinate could not help but laugh. The magistrate was angry, and pointed at the subordinate, saying: "Was it you that stole it?" The subordinate flung out both his sleeves and said: "You may search me, milord."
揵踢^
Shuttlecock
一童子弄揵子。偶踢下井。乃俯視井。對影哭曰。還了125我。父問之。訴曰。揵子為井中兒所［収］。父亦臨井。見己影謂曰。汝家兒子要踢揵子。我家兒子難道不要的。
A boy was playing with a shuttlecock, but accidentally kicked it into a well. He looked down into the well, and saw his own reflection. Crying, he said: "Return it to me!" His father heard this, and said: "The shuttlecock has been taken by the boy in the well." He also went to the well, and saw his own reflection there, saying: "Your boy wants to play with the shuttlecock, but that doesn't mean my boy shouldn't get a chance to play!"
行令^
Toast
一人出令曰。春雨如膏。或疑為糕也。曰。夏雨如饅頭。或又疑為夏禹也。曰。周文王像塔餅。
Someone was making a toast, and said: "The spring rains are like a balm (gao)." Someone heard balm as cake (gao), and said: "Then the summer rains are like a bun." Someone else heard summer rain (xiayu) as King Yu of Xia, and said: "King Wen of Zhou was like a wedding cake."
又^
衆至一家祝壽。飲酒間。行令各說壽字一句。一人喊云。壽天莫非命。衆嘩曰。是何言也。以大鐘罰之。即曰126該［死］該［死］。
拜帖^
或謂友曰。某人甚是不通。清早來拜我就寫了晚生。其友曰。這還差不遠。還有秋間拜客。寫春生的。
較嵗^
A matter of age
一人新育女。有以二嵗兒來作媒者。其人怒曰。我女一嵗。渠兒二嵗。若吾女十嵗。渠兒二十嵗矣。安得許此老壻。妻聞之曰。汝悞矣。吾女今年雖一嵗。明年便127與彼兒同庚。如何不許。
A man with a newborn girl received a matchmaking offer for a boy aged two (Chinese count newborns as being one year old). The man was furious, saying, "my daughter is a newborn and their son is one, so if my daughter were ten, they would propose that she marry someone aged twenty? Why would I want such an old son-in-law?" His wife heard this, and said, "you've got it wrong. Our daughter may be one, but next year she will be the same age as the boy, so what is wrong with that?"
看鏡^
有出外生理者。妻嘱回時。須買牙梳。夫問其狀。妻指新月示之。夫貨畢將歸。忽憶妻語。因看月輪正滿。遂買一鏡回。妻照之。罵曰。牙梳不買。如何反娶一妾。母聞之。往勸。忽見鏡。照云。我兒有心費錢。如何娶個婆子。遂至訐訟。官差往拘之。見鏡慌云。如何就有捉違限的。及審。置鏡于案。官照見。大怒曰。夫妻不和事。何128必央［鄉］宦來講。
四人趂船^
一齆鼻。一鐵匠。一皂隸。一代打人。同宿舟中。夜半。齆鼻者鼻中作聲如風襄搧火狀。鐵匠驚起。連換打々。隸以為打人也。即吆喝曰。數代打者急曰。饒得一板也是好的。
才人^
一官人有書義未觧。問吏曰。此間有高才否。吏悞以129為裁衣人姓高也。應曰。有。即喚進。官問曰。貧而無諂如何。荅曰。裙而無襇。使不得。又問富而無驕如何。荅曰。袴而無腰。也使不得。官怒。喝曰。唗。荅曰。若是皺。小人有熨斗在此唗皺俗音同。
陸先生^
有念甪直為角直者。人教以甪音陸。後見有賣角先生者。因呼為陸先生。
陸先生奉嘲勿恠。做得角先生。儘受用了。130
先生。父兄也。此號豈可加于褻器。昔有好唱者。曲不離口。適借坐卜店。目視敗龜板。唱云。好似我●＝左二右隻＝親模樣。怎穿着破損衣裳句。遂為笑談。角先生之名。何以異此。呼為角生。不亦雅乎。
吳中向來有三先生之號。館于申閣老家者吳語角音同閣。曰角先生。館于吳一郎王氏富僕家者。曰蘿蔔絲絲音同師。吳人呼僕為蘿蔔
館于俞化酒肆有名者家者。曰教化子。三名甚巧。
頭巾^
Cap
131一僕随主人應試。巾箱偶墜。呼曰。頭巾落地矣。主人曰。落地非佳語。宜呼為及第地。僕頷之。既拴好。因復曰。今後再不及地了。
A servant was accompanying his master to take an exam, and accidentally dropped the hat box. The servant cried out, "crud! I've made a blunder." The master said to him, "that is unrefined speech. You should say that something unfortunate has come to pass." The servant nodded and said, "alright, from now on, no one's ever going to pass."
Phonetic wordplay
藁●^
貧家盖藁●。小兒不知諱。父撻而戒之曰。後有問者。但云盖被。一日父出見客。而●艸掛鬚上。兒從後呼曰。且除面上被。
囤心黃^
132有貧而喜誇者。客至留飯。呼內曰。須取囤心黃作飯。及飯至。粗糲耳。方嗔責間。內遽曰。遍䖏糴囤心黃沒有。胡亂喫些罷。
海獅^
Sealion
一人見賣海獅者。喚住要買。問曰。許多錢一斤。賣者笑曰。從來海獅是量的。其人即喝曰。這難道不曉得。問你幾箇錢一尺。
A man saw someone selling sealions. He called him over and asked how much they were per pound. The seller laughed and said, "whoever sold sealions by the pound?" He replied, "you don't say... should I ask how much they cost per foot?"
猪婆肉^
133有賣猪母肉者。嘱童子諱之。已而買肉者至。童子遽謂曰。我家並非猪婆肉。其人覺之。不買而去。店主怒曰。我分付［過］。如何反先說起。乃鑿其頭兩下。少焉。又一買者至。見肉。問曰。此肉好似猪婆肉。童子謂主人曰。你［聽］。這難道也是我說的。
與舊話此䖏無銀三十兩。同意。
攘羊^
一婦攘鄰家羊一隻。匿之床下。嘱其子勿言。已而鄰134人沿街呌罵。其子曰。我娘並不曾偷你羊。婦惡其惹事。以目睨之。子指其母言曰。你看。我娘這●＝左二右隻＝眼。活像床底下這隻羊。
官語^
有兄弟徑商者。學得一二官語。將到家。兄因如廁。暫留隔河。命弟先往見父。々一見問曰。汝兄何在。弟曰。撒屎。父驚曰。何䖏殺［死］。荅曰。河南。父方哀苦。而兄適至。父遂罵其次子曰。汝何妄言如是。曰。我官話耳。父135曰。如此官話。只好嚇你爺。
Phonetic wordplay. Quoted in Wilkinson's Manual, 2012 ed., pg. 25.
跪^
有祖督孫過。命跪階下。其子見而憐之。亦跪不起。祖曰。兒為孫謝耶。荅曰。汝難為我兒。我那得不難為汝兒。
亦是孝子。亦是慈父。若此子喫［鄉］飲酒儘通。
劈柴^
Splitting wood
父子同劈一柴。父執柯悞傷子指。子罵曰。老烏龜。汝136眼瞎耶。孫在旁。見祖被罵。意不平。遽曰。直娘賊。不識道理。父親可是罵得的。
A father and son were splitting wood together. The father lost his grip on the axe and accidentally hurt his son's finger. The son cried out: "You clumsy old tortoise! Are you blind?" The grandson was standing by; he felt indignant on seeing his grandfather being scolded, and unexpectedly said: "You son of a gun, don't you have any principles? How dare you scold your father?"
整嫂裙^
有嫂前行。而裙夾于臀縫。叔從後掣整之。嫂頋見。疑調之也。大怒。叔躬身曰。不必怒。待小叔照舊放進。不差一些兒便罷。
有奉泰水之命。以房典銀。既成交。而房價未足。壻為作柬促之。柬云。岳母房事。至緊至緊。早晚望公137一䖏以救其急。尤可笑。
床榻^
Business in bed
有賣小木家火者。夫遠出。使婦守店。一人往買其床。還價既少。而銀水又低。爭值良久。勉強售之。次日。復來買榻。婦謂之曰。你昨日床上。討盡我的便宜了。今日榻上又來。
There was a dealer in furniture who went on a journey, leaving his wife to tend the shop. A man came to buy a bed, but the sum he offered was much lower than the asking price; they haggled for a long time, and in the end he got his way. The next day, he came to buy a couch. The woman said: "You already had your way with me yesterday on the bed. And now you come to do the same on the couch?"
鄰家做功德^
一孤兒見鄰家做功德。謂孀母曰。間壁某阿伯［死］了。138喚許多和尚在家乒々乓々。偏我家冷靜如此。母曰。我兒。掙得做娘的有箇好日。也會凸起了肚皮。呌些和尚在家乓々的。
米^
Rice
一少年私鄰家之婦。聞叩門聲。知夫歸。迫甚。婦議以布囊盛之。懸于床側。夫問及。則紿以米。議定。啟門納夫。々見囊。覺其有異。問是何物。妻惶惧不即對。夫厲聲再問。少年不覺于囊中應曰。米。139
A youth was having an affair with his neighbor's wife, when they heard a knock on the door. Knowing that the husband was home, they were in a panic. The wife wrapped him up in a large sack, and placed him by the bed. If the husband should ask, they agreed, she would say that it was a sack of rice. She then went to open the door and welcome her husband home. When he saw the sack, he felt suspicious and asked her what it was. The wife was so nervous that she couldn't answer him, and so the husband raised his voice and asked again. The youth could not help but reply from inside the sack: "I'm rice!"
撒半價^
客有欲買蘇州貨者。或教之曰。蘇州人撒半價。視其討價。半酬之可也。客信之。至紬緞店。凡討二兩者。只還一兩。討一兩五錢者。只還七錢五分。店主恨甚。謂客曰。若如此。說。不消買得。小店竟送兩疋與足下罷了。客拱手曰。不敢不敢。學生只領一疋。
又^
或問蘇州人曰。尊姓。荅曰姓陸。曰。是三老官人了。又140問住房屋幾間。荅曰。五間。曰。是兩間一披了。又問宅上更有何人。答曰有拙荊一人。其人背曰。是與人合討的。
髮換糖^
一人見以髮換糖者。謂凡食皆可換也。晨出。藏髮一料以往。遇酒肆。因入飽餐。々畢。以髮與之。肆傭皆笑。其人怒曰。他人俱當錢用。到我偏用不得耶。爭辨良久。肆傭因撏髮亂毆。其人徐理。髮言曰。整料與他不141要。倒在我頭上亂搶。
髮換引線^
有戴破帽破網者。途中見人。呼破帽子換銅錢。急取帽袖之。再呼破網巾換銅錢。復急脫網巾袖之。又呼亂頭髮換引線。乃大怒曰。你這人無禮。忒尋得我要緊。
進士弟^
一進士之弟頗橫。怨家罵曰。汝兄自登黃甲。初何關142汝。荅曰。不見牌額上。寫進士弟第耶。
Phonetic wordplay
又^
有懸進士第額于大門者。一［鄉］人見之。沉吟曰。齋扁只兩字。如何有三字。乃問人曰。阿哥。借問一聲。此三字是齋々扁。還是齋扁々。
梅花^
Plum blossoms
有不落欵梅花一幅。或見之。極賛其真。人問曰。你曉得甚人画的。只管賛他是真蹟。荅曰。張敞。143
There was a painting of plum blossoms (mei) whose painter left no signature. Those who saw it all praised its verisimilitude. One asked, "who do you think painted this? I only care to praise him as a true treasure." Another replied, "Zhang Chang."
Phonetic wordplay. Zhang Chang was an official in the Han era who was known for painting on his wife's eyebrows (also mei) for her, a story of conjugal affection.
不識貨^
徽人有開典鋪而不識貨者。一人以单皮皷來當。喝云。皮鑼一面。當銀五分。有以笙來當者。云。紫竹酒壺一把。當銀五分。有當笛者。云。絲緝火通一枝。當銀一分。後有持了事帕來當者。云。虎貍斑汗巾一條。當銀三分。小郎問曰。朝奉。要這物何用。乃云。留他抹々嘴也是好的。
了事帕。古謂之淫籌。盖一用不再也。今呼為陳媽144媽不知何義。有嘲姓陳者云。或問婦人凈帕何名。荅曰陳媽々。然則男風所用又何名。曰。這叫做陳官人。
又^
二醫同走。見有［攜］鰻及團魚賣者。一醫指鰻云。賣這條烏梢蛇與我。一醫笑云。鰻也認不出。倒不如買了這穿山甲罷。
不但不識藥。連團魚鰍鱔也不曾見面的。145
Phonetic wordplay