笑府卷十
Chapter 10
形體部^
Bodily shapes
墨憨子曰。唐伯虎先生自題小像云。我問你是誰。你原來是我。々本不認你。々却要認我。々少不得你。々却少得我。你我百年後。有你沒了我。夫既百年同盡。則西施嫫母。圴付之一笑。可矣。集形體部。
The Master of Mohan Studio says: The painter Tang Bohu painted a self portrait, and said to it, "I ask who you are, you used to be me. I may not recognize you, but you must acknowledge me. I cannot do without you, but you can do wihout me. In a hundred years, you will still be here but not me. Even if we should both be here after a century, we would be like Xi Shi and Mo Mu. It could be that we should simply behold each other and laugh."
長面^
Long face
有失去馬鞍者。見一人面長而凹。認以為鞍也。執之。86其人曰。此吾面也。爭辨不已。將往［聽］斷于官。有行人問知其故。謂長面人曰。勸兄賠他些價罷。若經官。定是斷給。
A man who had lost a saddle saw another man with a long and concave face, and mistook it for his saddle. He tried to grab it, but the other man protested: "That's my face!" They quarreled and went to take the dispute to a judge. Along the way, a passer-by asked about what was going on, and then told the long-faced man: "Brother, you should just pay him off. If you go before a judge, you'll lose the case."
老面皮^
Old leather face
衆閒諭世間何物最硬。或言石。曰。石可碎也。或言金。曰。金可鑿也。最後一人指有鬚者曰。惟老兄鬚最硬。金石不如。問其何說。荅曰。你看這一副面皮裡面。虧他鑚了出來。87
A group of people were idly speculating about what was the hardest thing in the world. Someone said "rock", but another pointed out that rocks could be smashed. Someone said "gold", but another said that gold can be worked. Finally, someone pointed to a bearded man, and said: "The hair in that old chap's beard is the hardest thing in the world. Gold and rock cannot compare." When asked why, he replied: "It had to bore through that leathery old face of his."
或以此嘲有鬚者。復之曰。足下面更老。這等硬鬚還鑚不［過］。
Someone used this joke to mock someone with whiskers. The retort: "Your face is even older. Even my steely hairs would not be able to bore through it."
番臉^
Face-off
暑月無帳。復惜烟條費。忍熱＝上執＝擁被而卧。蚊＝左䖝＝噆其面。隣家有一鬼臉借而帶之。蚊口不能入。謂曰。汝不［過］省一文錢耳。如何便翻了臉。
A man was trying to sleep in a hot summer month without a mosquito net. Being too cheap to spend money on incense to repel the mosquitoes, he decided to endure the heat and lie under a blanket. The mosquitoes stung his face all over, and so he borrowed a stage mask from a neighbor and put it on, so that they couldn't bite him. They said to him: "You were too cheap to spend a few cents. Why flip your face?"
#wordplay. Fānliǎn 翻臉, literally "flipping/changing face", means to become suddenly enraged.
末句。或云。如何就放出老面皮來。亦可。
Another version of the last sentence: "Why do you put out your old face?" This also works.
麻^
Numb
88俗云。脚麻脚麻上鼻頭。謂以柴芒貼鼻端。即止。一人遍貼額上。人問為何。曰。我屁股都是麻的。
A common saying goes: "Numb leg, to the toes / bring it up, with the nose." If one's leg has gone numb, then the remedy is to stick a stalk of miscanthus on the nose. Knowing this, someone stuck a stalk on his forehead. When asked why he did this, he replied: "My buttocks have all gone numb."
有姓王而麻者。或嘲之云。一蒙師止識一王字。主人適姓王。有三兒。求命名。乃于王字上加一點。問傍人識此字否。曰是主字。師接口曰。正是主字。即命長徒曰王主。又于王字右加一點。問如前。應曰。玉字也。復接口曰。正是玉字。即命次徒曰王玉。至苐三徒左加一點問人。則曰無此字。再加右點問89人。又曰無此字。上下左右皆點。又云無此字。乃乱點曰。喚他王麻子便了。
There was a man named Wáng 王 who had a pockmarked face. Someone mocked him with the following joke: There was a schoolmaster who only knew the character Wáng 王. The master of a household, who happened to be named Wáng, had three sons, and asked him to come up with names for them. The schoolmaster wrote the character Wáng and added a dot on top. He turned to the bystanders and asked if they knew what this character was. They replied: "Yes, that's the character zhǔ 主 (master)." The schoolmaster continued without a beat: "Precisely, this is the character zhǔ, and we shall name the oldest boy Wang Zhu." Next, he wrote the character Wang and added a dot to the right of it. He asked the bystanders as before, and they said: "This is the character yù 玉 (jade)." "Precisely, this is the character yù, and we shall call the second boy Wang Yu." For the third time, he wrote the character Wang, but now added a dot on the left. When he turned to the bystanders, they said that there was no such character. So he added yet another dot on the right and asked them again. And the reply was the same. He added dots all over, and still they said that there was no such character. Enraged, he dotted all over the paper and said: "Fine, let's just call him Pock-mark Wang!"
#wordplay. Pockmarked faces (mázǐ 麻子) were a sign that someone had survived smallpox.
近視^
Near-sighted
兄弟三人皆近視。同拜一客。登其堂。上懸遺清堂扁。伯曰。主人病怯耶。不然。何為寫遺精室也。仲曰。不然主人好道。故寫道情堂耳。二人爭論不已。以季弟少年目力。使辨之。季弟張目曰。汝二人皆妄。上面那得有扁。90
Three near-sighted brothers went together to visit a house. When they went up to the entrance hall, the sign above the door read "Hall of Leaving Purity" (遺清堂). The eldest brother said: "Our host must be unwell, why else would he put up a sign saying 'Hall of Leaving Senses' (遺精室)?" The second brother said: "No, our host must be fond of the Way (Dao), for the sign actually says 'Hall of Feeling the Way' (道情堂)." The two argued incessantly, so it fell to the youngest brother, whose eyesight was the best, to settle the matter for them. He opened his eyes wide, and said: "You are both blind. There is no sign!"
又近視者臨河見藁薦浮來。認以為柴船也。呼渡不應。跳其上溺矣。乃曰。你便不肯渡我。你的柴也翻在水了。又見綳魚。疑為鴨蛋。握之而腹癟。訝曰。如何小鴨＝上鳥下甲＝任出得快。
Another near-sighted man stood at a river and saw a clump of weeds drifting towards him, but mistook it for a boat carrying firewood. He called for it to come to shore to bring him across, but received no response, so he tried to jump on board, but simply fell through into the water. He said: "So you wouldn't take me on board, and now all your firewood is fallen into the water." He saw some fish and mistook them for duck eggs. But when he grasped them in his hand, he felt their rough and wrinkled skin. Shocked, he remarked: "These little ducklings hatched so quickly!"
又^
Near-sighted (2)
某家設席。同上坐者二人。一瞎左目。一瞎右目。已而有客近視者至。竟至前席。良久。私問同席者曰。上席那濶面孔的朋友。是誰。91
A family was holding a banquet. At the high table were seated two people side-by-side, one blind in the left eye, and the other blind in the right. Another guest came who was near-sighted, and sat down at another table close to the entrance. After a long time, he whispered to another person at his table: "Who is that friend sitting at the high table with such a broad face?"
嘲近視詩云。笑君雙眼忒希奇。子立身邊問是誰。日透窓欞拿彈子。月移花影拾柴枝。因看画壁磨傷鼻。為瑣書櫥夾住眉。更有一般堪笑䖏。吹燈燒了嘴唇皮。
There is a poem that makes fun of a near-sighted man:
How curious are the gentleman's eyes! / When his son stands beside him, he asks who that might be / When the sun dapples through the window-lattice, he reaches for the boat's mooring rope / When the moon shifts shadows on the ground, he tries to pick firewood / In looking at a picture on the wall, he chafes the end of his nose / In browsing a bookshelf, he gets his brow pinched / And what's more to be jolly about / When he blows out a candle, he singes his lips.
瞽^
Blind
一瞽者與衆人坐。衆有所見而笑。瞽者亦笑。衆問之曰。何所見而笑。瞽者曰。你們所笑。定然不差。
A blind man was sitting in a group, when they saw something funny and laughed. The blind man laughed along. The others asked: "Why did you laugh if you couldn't see what it was?" The blind man replied: "If you lot were laughing, it must have been pretty funny."
世人皆謂此瞽可笑。不知凡依樣画葫蘆。蹈襲舊92時大套子。及隨人脚跟做事者。皆此瞽耳。
Worldly people all laugh at the blind man. But those who only know how to paint by numbers (lit. copy the drawing of a gourd), or who never deviate from old models, or who follow others slavishly -- these are all blind people too.
又^
Blind (2)
二瞽者同行。曰世上惟瞽者最好。有眼人終日奔忙。農家更甚。怎得如我們心上清閒。衆農夫竊聽之。乃假為官人。謂其夫子迴避。以鋤壩各打一頓。而呵之去。随復竊［聽］之。一瞽者曰。畢竟是瞽者好。若是有眼人。打了還要問罪。
Two blind men were walking together, talking about how it was best to be a blind person. "Sighted people have to keep busy until the end of their days, and farmers have it even worse - not like us blind people living easily." A group of farmers overheard them, and pretending to be officials, told the blind men to take back what they said, and gave them a sound beating with their hoes. Afterwards, they told them to go, but secretly followed them to hear what they said. One of the blind men said: "Isn't it much better to be blind? If we had been sighted, we would have to plead guilty after being beaten."
聾^
Deaf
93有近視者。拾火爆一杖。就燈認之。觸火而嚮傍有聾子拊其背。問曰。汝方纔拾甚麼東西。在手就散了。
There was a near-sighted man who picked up a firecracker but thought it was a lamp. After he set it off, there was a deaf man who tapped him on the back and asked: "What was that thing you were holding? It just disappeared from your hand!"
又^
Deaf (2)
一醫者重［聽］。至一家看病。々人問蓮心喫得否。醫者曰麵筋喫不得。病者曰。蓮肉也。醫曰。塩肉也少喫些。病者曰。先生耳朶是聾的。醫曰。若裡股內紅的。還須防他生橫痃。
A physician who was hard of hearing went to make a house-call to a patient. The patient asked him if it was alright to eat lotus seeds (liánxīn). The physician replied: "You shouldn't eat gluten (miànjīn)." The patient asked: "What about (lián) meat (ròu)?" "You should eat less salted meat (yánròu) too." The patient said: "Sir, you are hard of hearing (ěrduō lóng)." The physician: "If your inner thighs are red (lígǔ nèi hóng), you need to guard against inflammation of the groin."
#wordplay. Héngxián 橫痃 refers to inflammation and swelling of lymph nodes in the groin caused by sexually-transmitted disease.
諱聾啞^
Deaf and mute
94聾啞二人各自諱。聾見啞者。懇其唱曲。啞者知其聾也。乃以唇開合而手為按節狀。聾者側耳良久。見其唇止。即曰。久不聞佳音。今番更進。
There were two men, one deaf, and the other mute, and both tried to conceal their disabilities. The deaf man met the mute man, and asked him to sing a song. The mute man knew that the other was deaf, and so moved his lips and hands and pretended to sing. The deaf person inclined his head and pretended to listen until the other man's lips stopped moving, whereupon he said: "It's been a long time since I've heard good music, and today was outstanding!"
英雄欺人。不免有此。莫笑聾啞漢也。
When the great and mighty cheat the people, it goes way beyond this. Don't laugh at these two fellows.
赤鼻^
Red nose
有見長下頰者。曰我欲借你面上搭一鷹架。其人駭曰為何。曰。要拆你的下頰。其人曰。下頰如何拆得。曰下頰拆不得。鼻頭如何拆赤了。吳語赤拆同音
Someone saw a man with a pronounced underbite, and said to him: "I'd like to borrow your face and erect a scaffolding on it." The other was taken aback, and asked him why. He replied: "I'd like to dismantle (chāi 拆) your jaw." "How could you possibly do that?" "If your jaw can't be dismantled (chāi), then please explain how your nose could be red (chì 赤)?" (In the Wu dialect, chāi 拆 and chì 赤 are pronounced the same way.)
#wordplay. "Red nose" may be a reference to rosacea.
又白眼與赤鼻頭相遇。謂赤鼻頭曰。足下開染店。大費本錢。鼻頭都染作大紅。荅曰。不敢。也只淺色而已。怎到得尊目漂白得好。
齆鼻^
Stuffy nose
黃鼠遇狗追趕。即撒屁以觸其鼻。有雄鼠覔食田間。一犬逐之。鼠極力跑脫。至穴。訴之雌鼠。雌鼠曰。汝防身屁。何在。曰連撒數屁。彼全不理。雌鼠曰。我知道了。是箇齆鼻狗。96
When a yellow rat is being chased by a dog, it puts it off its scent by farting. One day a male rat was seeking food in the fields, when a hound came after it. The rat fled as fast as it could into its burrow, where it told the female rat about what happened. The female rat asked: "What happened to your defensive farts?" He replied: "I let off several in a row, but he simply ignored them." The female rat said: "I got it! It was a dog with a stuffy nose."
又^
甲乙俱齆鼻。甲致柬于乙。畵枰尺笤箒各一件。乙見之。便曰。枰請尺吃箒酒答柬。画蜈蚣一條。斧乙柄。甲見之。點頭曰。蜈無蚣功斧夫。
看這兩人千古知已。合扳做兩親家。或笑曰。如今有病痛的鼻頭。越要扳好家哩。
鬍𩯽^
或看審囚回。人問之。答曰。今年重囚五人。俱有色認97者。一痴子。一顛疾。一偏瞎。一多𩯽鬁也。問如何審。荅曰。只多鬚與𩯽鬁要决。餘免［死］矣。又問何故。荅曰。痴弗殺。顛弗殺。鬍子搭𩯽殺。
痴弗殺四句。皆吳下俗語。搭𩯽殺。本作搭莿撒。鬍貌言齷齪也。
𩯽鬁^
北地多梨。北人至南。索梨食不得。南人因進蘿葡曰。此吾土產梨也。北人曰。不甚中喫。只合呌做臭辣梨。98
鬍子愁窮^
有鬍子愁窮。其友謔之曰。據兄家事。不下二千金。何以過愁若此。鬍子曰。二千金何在。友曰。兄面上現有千金了。難道令正沒有些私房。
就真有二千金的。若一毛不拔。與那窮鬍子何異。
請鬍子^
有寡婦將再醮。夜坐凈盆。自視其私謂曰。阿鬍子。明日就有東西喫了間壁鬍子應曰。娘子。他家未曾請99我。
此等席。撞之何妨。
春画^
Spring paintings
一人見春画。曰。此非春画。乃夏画也。不然。何以赤體。又一人曰。亦非夏画。乃冬画也。問何以知之。荅曰。你不見鬍嘴呵凍筆頭。
A man was viewing pornography (lit. "spring painting"), and said: "This isn't a spring painting, it's an autumn painting. Otherwise, why would they have their clothes off?" Another man said: "This isn't an autumn painting, it's a winter painting." When asked how he knew this, he replied: "Don't you see how they are using their mouths to warm up the frozen nibs of their writing brushes?"
呵凍筆。寫甚麼。曰。這鬍子一些墨水沒有。定。寫出白字來了。100
After warming up the brushes, how do they write? He replied: "That brush doesn't have any ink in it at all. The words will all come out white."
一般鬍^
有嘲鬍子者曰。論語一書皆講鬍子也。不亦悅乎。不亦樂乎。不亦君子乎。這三箇乎。是好鬍。為人謀而不忠乎。與朋友交而不信乎。傳不習乎。這三箇乎。是不好鬍。君子者乎。色莊者乎。這兩箇乎。一好一不好。或問使乎使乎如何講。曰。上面的鬍。與下面的鬍一般的。
Phonetic wordplay
鬍子答嘲^
101顏子。々路與伯魚三人。私議曰。夫子惟鬍。故開口不脫乎字。顏子曰。他對我說回也其庶乎。子路曰。他對我說。由。誨女知之乎。伯魚曰。他對我說。女為周南君南矣乎。孔子在屏後聞之。出責伯魚曰。回是箇短命的。由是箇不得好［死］的。也罷了。你是我的兒子。也來嘲我。
舊有十鬍子語。各引四書中哉字一句甚隹。因附記于此。鬍子一。我未上頭你先出。是天下莫早102于一鬍子。一鬍子曰。時哉時哉。鬍子二。一逢考試預先剃。是天下莫詐于二鬍子。二鬍子曰。豈予所欲哉。鬍子三。炒黑芝麻滿面攤。是天下莫穢于三鬍子。三鬍子曰。此物奚宜至哉。鬍子四。拍子辮子無意思。是天下莫劳于四鬍子。四鬍子曰。予豈好辨哉。鬍子五。風吹倒捲如老虎。是天下莫猛于五鬍子。五鬍子曰。彼鳥敢當我哉。鬍子六。朝々夜々防大燭。是天下莫險于六鬍子。六鬍103子曰。水哉水哉。鬍子七。未曾喫粥。你先濕。是天下莫累于七鬍子。七鬍子曰。尔馬能浼我哉。鬍子八。一塲相罵連根拔。是天下莫痛于八鬍子。八鬍子曰。是何傷哉。鬍子九。陰陽二毛稱好友。是天下莫尊于九鬍子。九鬍子曰。鳥得有其一以漫其二哉。鬍子十。下爬匡當摸弗出是天下莫暗于十鬍子。十鬍子曰。且君之欲見之也。何為也哉。
無鬚^
No whiskers
104蝦或前跳。或却走。一稚子問曰。何䖏是蝦頭。荅曰。有鬚者是頭。無鬚者是屁眼。
A prawn was sometimes jumping, and sometimes walking. A young boy asked: "Which end is the head?" The reply: "The end with the whiskers is the head. The end without whiskers is the arse."
黃鬚^
Yellowbeard
一人鬚黃。每于妻前自誇黃鬚無弱漢。一生不受人欺。一日出外。被毆而歸。妻述前語笑之。荅曰。他的鬚是通紅的。
A man with a yellow beard would boast to his with every day about how yellow beards were a sign of manliness. No one would dare bully someone with a beard like his. One day he went out and was beaten up. When he limped home, his wife stood there and laughed at him. The man complained: "Well, his beard was red!"
臭嘴^
或行酒令。俱要就身上說一必不然之事。一人云。脚105面虧＝左虛＝得在前。若在後。被人踏住。怎麼好。一人云。鼻孔虧＝左虛＝得向下。若向上。雨落在內。怎麼好。一人云。尿孔虧＝左虛＝得在臀。若在面。臭氣觸人。怎麼好。主令者曰。此句該罰。屎孔儘有生在面上的。
或謂口過者曰。別人也罷。虧＝左虛＝你自家的鼻頭。如何過了。旁人代對曰。做了他的鼻頭。随你臭只索耐他。此語可嘲臭家主。
又^
106或訴人曰。昨夜悔氣。與某同寢。患其善屁。只得做一頭睡。而口復臭甚。藏頭被內則屁臭。舒頭被外則口臭。徹夜展轉。若不可言。捱至天明。纔小寢耳。問畢竟如何睡着。曰。只得在被內了。
或問治口過有良方乎。荅以喫大蒜最良。問者訝其臭。荅曰。大蒜雖臭。々得正路。
懸疣^
一人項有懸疣。因取凉夜宿神廟。神問此何人。左右107荅云。蹴氣毬者。神命取其毬來。其人失疣。不勝踴躍而出。次日又一疣者聞其故。亦往廟宿。神問之。左右仍對如前。神曰。可將昨毬還他。
此與舊話倏丟々同意。倏丟々者。稚子謂狗呌子也。客有［攜］至京師者。上聞其生悅之。召客進覽。問和名。曰。倏丟々。問其價。客妄索千金。即以千金買馬。他客聞之羨甚。適畨人牽千里馬。求售。此客念倏丟々一文錢耳。且得厚酬。若千金之馬。數萬108金必可得。因傾囊市之。而賂內監以献。上命太僕審價。僅判千金。客不敢餙。然猶幸不虧＝左虛＝本。及領價。上曰。倏丟々我已吹厭了。交易與他罷。
矮^
Short
矮人乘舟去遊。因閣淺。自起撐之。失手墜水。々沒［過］頂。矮人起而怒曰。偏我閣淺。閣在深䖏。
有持大扇者。遇矮子。戱以扇置其頭。曰。欲借兄作扇墜耳。矮子大怒。罵曰。直娘賊。若拿我做扇墜時。109我就兜心踢你。
There was a man with a large fan who came across a short person, and playfully knocked him on the head with his fan, saying: "I'd like to borrow you to be a hanging ornament on my fan." The short man was enraged, and said: "You fiend, if you hang me from your fan as an ornament, I'll kick you square in the chest!"
又^
Short (2)
一矮子新婚上床即親嘴百餘不止。婦問何故。荅曰。我下去了還有半日纔上來哩。
A short man on his bridal night got into bed with his bride and wouldn't stop kissing her on the mouth. She asked him what was the matter. He replied: "Once we get out of bed, I won't be able to reach you until the night comes round again!"
胖^
胖子不便行房。使其妻仰坐椅上。身就之。而婢從後雅之。曰推。曰。再推。即回頋婢曰住。
𤵚^
Hunchback
有𤵚子赴席。泰然上坐。衆客既齊。𤵚子自覺不安。復趋下謙遜。衆客曰。大𤵚叔請上。姪直軰背怎敢。
A hunchback went to attend a banquet, and calmly took the place of honor. However, once the other guests arrived, he began to feel uneasy, and wanted to yield the place to take a more modest spot. The other guests said: "Big (dà 大, homophonous with 𤵚 tuó) Uncle, please take the place of honor. Your nephews (zhíbèi 姪軰, homophone of 直背, 'straight back') shouldn't presume to do so."
#wordplay. The word 𤵚 tuó (also 㾃, 駝) meaning "hunch-backed" is not pronounced the same as 大 dà ("big") in modern Mandarin. However, they might have been similar in the dialect spoken by the author of this joke. The rime dictionaries give the fǎnqiè pronunciation of 𤵚 as 唐何切; and although 大 is usually recorded as 徒蓋切 or similar, there is an alternative pronunciation 唐佐切 recorded which would be closer to modern tuó.
醜^
Ugly
一人平昔善做鬼臉。引人笑。［死］見閻王。々問曰。汝平日有何長。以鬼臉對。王曰。人說我是鉄面閻王。若引得我笑。當送汝生天。方動臉。王即大笑。乃命牛頭馬面送之。至中途。跪告曰。大王平日利害。我軰若做得鬼臉引得他笑。愁甚刑罰。千萬教我。其人曰。不知你111學得鬼臉否。且把臉來我看。既看。曰你勾了。
A man was fond of making funny faces to maek people laugh. After he died, he was brought before Yama, the king of hell. The king asked him: "What merit do you have?" To which the man answered: "Funny faces." The king said: "People call me iron-faced Yama, but if you can make me laugh, I'll grant you reincarnation." The man pulled a funny face, and the king roared with laughter. He ordered one of his bull-headed and horse-faced peons to send him back up. Along the way, the peon kneeled and said to the man: "The king is usually so severe. If one of us tried to make a funny face at him laugh, we'd certainly be punished for it. Please teach me how you do it!" The man replied: "I don't know if you'd be good at it. Why don't you turn around and show me your face." He had a look, and said: "You've got it."
#wordplay. The demons in hell are said to have grotesque appearances, with bull heads and horse faces. There is also a pun involved, as the word for pulling a funny face, guíliǎn 鬼臉, literally also means "ghost's/devil's face".
臭脚^
Smelly feet
一修足者。脫足。臭甚。遽以手搧之。問何不修。曰。姑俟其冷。
A pedicurist took off a customer's shoes, but the feet stank so horribly that he fanned them frantically with his hands. When the customer asked why he wasn't starting with the pedicure, he replied: "I'm waiting till the feet cool down."
又^
Smelly feet (2)
一人方欵客。忽聞臭甚。呼童子問之。童子附耳曰。是娘子脫脚。其人低聲沉吟曰。即脫脚。臭未必至此童子復附耳曰。兩脚俱脫耳。112
A man was about to receive guests, when he smelled a horrible stench. He called his servant boy and asked him what it was. The servant boy whispered into his ear: "Madam has taking off her shoes." The man lowered his voice and said to him: "Even if she is taking off her shoes, that need not be the source of the smell." The servant boy once again whispered to him: "She's taken off both her shoes."
大脚^
Big feet
有大脚婦乘轎。置脚于外。轎夫恥之。懇其縮進。婦曰。若是縮得進。何消你說。
A big-footed woman was riding a sedan-chair, but her feet were dangling on the outside. The chair-bearer was embarrassed by this, and asked her if she could draw her feet inside. She replied: "If I could have, I would have done so already."
責臀^
一官好拿閒人。有行野者。值官來。惶迫無計。欲匿道旁空樹中。先有一人在內。乃僅匿其首。官［過］。命隸擒來。其人［死］掙不出。遂令掀衣責臀。樹中人問曰。官［過］否。喫打者曰。且莫側聲。外邊正打閒人哩。113
此人少年。定是箇幸同。問何以知之。曰。他把屁股只當做別人得。
巨卵^
人有浴于水者。一人拱立。候其浴畢穿衣。即鞠躬問曰。老嫂何修。浴者駭問其故。曰。偶見兄陽物甚巨耳。浴者曰。罪［過］。拙荊是奉齊的。其人吐舌曰。還要修哩。
又^
Big genitals (2)
有病［死］而冥王罰為驢者。其人辨得值。許復故形114還䰟。因行急。猶存驢卵未變＝上亠下變＝。既醒。欲再往懇復全體。妻勸止之曰。鬍閻王不是好講話的。苦正着罷。
Someone died and went to see the Lord of Hell. He sentenced him to be reborn as a donkey. The man disputed this at length, and was finally allowed to return to the mortal world in his original form. But a mistake caused him to be returned to human form except for his genitals, which remained those of a donkey. When he awoke, he wanted to go back to Hell and ask for his body to be completely restored, but his wife advised him: "The Lord of Hell is not fond of debate. Let's just leave it as it is."
又^
鐵匠柴行與樂戶三人言志。鉄匠曰。欲得屋大磁石一塊。不拘鋤頭斧頭。自然都吸來。不消買鐵。柴行曰。欲得屋大琥珀一塊。不拘茅艸松箍。自然都吸來。不消買柴。樂戶曰。欲得驢子大卵袋一張。不拘了頭婆娘。自然都吸來。不消買粉頭。115
痴烏龜。大卵當不得銀子用的。
小卵^
Small genitals
或見卵極小者。戱之曰。虧＝左虛＝你令正如何熬過了。旁一人觧曰。他只道普天下卵都只如此耳。小卵者辨曰。不然。我房下曾道來。說小卵別有一種好處。
Someone saw that another man had small genitals, and made fun of him, saying: "How does your wife get by with this?" Another bystander said: "She probably thinks that all men are like this." To which the man with small genitals said: "That's not so. My wife once told me, that there are other advantages to having a small one."
令正 lìngzhèng - "your wife". 房下 fángxià - "my wife".
問卵^
Talking cock
一官升職歸。謂妻曰。我的官又大些了。妻曰。官大。不知此物也大些否。官曰。奶々。左右我的大。你也大了。116
An official received a promotion, and came back to tell his wife: "I've gotten a bigger rank now." The wife said: "So your rank is bigger, but what about your tool?" He replied: "Woman, mine has gotten bigger, but yours has too."
又一人命妻造鞋而小。慍曰。你當小不小。偏小在鞋子上。妻荅曰。你當大不大。偏大在脚上。
Another man saw his wife making herself a small pair of shoes, and said to her irritatedly: "Of all the things that could be dainty, you had to have dainty feet." The wife replied: "Of all the things that could be big, you had to have big feet."
陽萎^
有病陽萎者。一夜。偶硬。甚喜。比至腹仍萎矣。妻問爬起何為。荅曰。我想要裡床睡。
貴相^
有家人婦得愛于主人者。同伴私問其狀。荅曰。貴相真是不同。問何以見之。荅曰。卵袋都是綿團一般的。117
妓家呼闞客為綿團。亦本此。
有父子同私一家人婦者。子未帖席。而父已在戶外矣。婦乃匿小主于床下。而納主人。未幾。聞夫履聲。主人跼蹐甚。婦曰。無傷也。若持扊扅而色怒以出。我自有說。主如其言而去。夫入房問故。婦曰。小主得過于翁。々持挺欲撻。故來覔耳。問小主何在。妻指床下曰。躲在此。
癟東西^
Tortoise
118一老人。取幼婦雲雨間。對婦云。願你養一兒子。婦曰。兒子倒養不出。只好養箇團魚。其夫問故。荅曰。這樣癟鼈東西。如何不養團魚。
An old man was getting busy with his young wife, when he told her: "I want you to bear me a son." The wife said: "I can't bear you a son, but I can certainly give you a tortoise." Her husband asked her what she meant, and she replied: "How could such a horny creature beget anything else but a tortoise?"
#wordplay. I've changed the sense of this joke to make it pun in English. In the original, she calls him a biě dōngxi 癟東西 "shriveled thing", which is a pun on biē 鱉 "tortoise".
鸛鼈交^
老鸛見鼈。欲淫之。而苦長短之不及。乃令鼈立田岸而以己足陷泥中相凑。既合。鼈回頋曰。看你頭已白了。有甚高興。鸛曰。愛你鼈癟屄耳。
屄篤松江人呼屄為篤^
一人問其友曰。同一陰物。或稱屄。或稱篤。何也。友曰。毛而瘦者為屄。光而肥者為篤。因問令正有毛乎。無毛乎。其人即喝曰咄咄篤同音。
善屁^
Gassy
有善屁者。往鉄匠鋪打鉄搭。方講價。連撒數屁。匠曰。汝屁直恁多。若能連撒百箇。我當白送一把鉄搭。其人便撒百屁。匠乃打成送之。臨出門。又撒數箇。乃謂匠曰。這幾箇小屁。乞找幾隻六錚釘。120
A man was adept at farting. He went to an ironsmith to have some mattocks made. When they were discussing the price, he suddenly let loose a whole chain of farts. The smith said: "You can really fart! If you can fart a hundred times in a row, I'll give you a mattock for free." Thereupon the man farted a hundred times, and the smith made him a mattock for free. As he was walking out the door, he loosed a few more farts. The smith said: "For these little ones, I'll give you a couple of iron nails."
椅响^
一人方陪客。偶撒一屁。愧甚。欲掩之。乃連以指磨椅面作响。客曰。還是苐一聲像。
鑿頭^
數人同舟。有撒屁者。衆疑一童子。共鑿其頭。童子曰。阿彌陀佛。別人罷了。虧＝左虛＝那真正撒屁的。擔得□起。也來鑿我。
祖師殿^
121祖師殿中忽聞屁臭。衆互推不認。乃推祖師曰。汝為正神。受萬方香火。如何撒屁。祖師驚起辨曰。尚有四將。何獨推我。四將亦辨曰。尚有龜蛇。何獨推我。蛇欲辨而口不能言。乃努嘴向者數四。
原來撒屁的是烏龜。
Táng Yín 唐寅, courtesy name Bóhǔ 伯虎, was a famous painter of the Ming era. Xī Shī 西施 was one of the legendary Four Great Beauties, and lived in the Spring and Autumn period. Mò Mǔ 嫫母 was a legendarily ugly woman and one of the wives of the mythical Yellow Emperor.