笑府卷九
Chapter 9
閨風部^
墨憨子曰。語云。婦人無德。無才即德。然則有才可稱。猶非所尚。況取而資噴飯者乎。知風之自。是在男子。集閨風部。
破體^
Losing virginity
一女十三歲破體。一日見對門女子。因問幾嵗。對門女荅曰。十四嵗。此女即拍手曰。阿呀々。壞了。
A girl lost her virginity at thirteen. One day she met the girl living next door, and asked her what age she was. The neighbor replied that she was fourteen, whereupon she clapped her hands and cried: "Ay you must be broken!"
問嫂^
Asking the sister-in-law
一女未嫁者。私問其嫂曰。此事頗樂否。嫂曰。有甚樂䖏。只為周公之禮。制定夫妻耳。及女嫁後歸寧。一見嫂。即曰。好個謊說胚
An unmarried girl privately asked her sister-in-law: "Is that thing any fun?" The sister-in-law said: "Fun? It is a solemn ritual instituted by the Duke of Zhou, who decreed that man and wife should live together in marriage." After girl was married, she came back to her birth home for a visit. Upon seeing her sister in law, she said: "What a load of bollocks you told me!"
舊話云。有出嫁者。哭問嫂此禮何人所制。嫂曰。周公。女將周公大罵。及滿月歸寧。問嫂周公何在。嫂云。尋他做甚。女曰。欲製一鞋謝之耳。
An old story goes: There was a girl who was about to leave her household upon marriage, and tearfully asked her sister in law: "Who came up with this custom?" The sister-in-law replied: "The Duke of Zhou." Whereupon the girl cursed the Duke of Zhou loudly. A month after her marriage, she came back to visit her birth home. She asked her sister-in-law: "Where is the Duke of Zhou?" The sister-in-law said: "Why do you want to look for him?" The new bride replied: "I made a pair of shoes to thank him."
肚腸^
Guts
55有未嫁者。偶見父陽物。以問母。々難顯言。曰此肚腸也。既嫁而歸。母念壻家貧。與女愁之。女曰。窮是窮。只落得肚腸好。
An unmarried girl happened to see her father naked, and asked her mother about his body. Her mother was embarrassed and said: "Those are just his guts." Eventually the girl got married, and came back to visit her parents. The mother was worried that the son-in-law was poor, and confided this in her daughter. The daughter replied: "He may be poor, but he's got plenty of guts!"
評陽物^
有嬸姆二人私議此物。一謂骨肉。不然。何以能硬。一謂筋属。不然。何以時硬時軟。二人爭論不已。小姑在房聞之。拍案曰。不消疑得。筋的是。
一說。陽明先生讀書樓上。聞樓下議陽物者。或云56骨。或云筋。或云是氣之升降。先生拍案厲聲曰。主氣之說良是
覔轎扛^
女初出閣。正哀哭。聞轎夫覔扛不得。乃帶哭曰。我的娘。轎扛在門角裡
搖船^
Boatman
一新嫁者。途中哭泣甚哀。舟人不忍。欲暫停住。女曰。哭者自哭。搖者自搖。干你甚事。
A new bride (on her way to be married) was crying pitifully on the journey. The boatman could not bear it, and wanted to stop the boat. At this point the woman said: "My job is to cry, and yours is to row the boat. Mind your own business!"
57一說轎夫聞哭甚哀。曰。小娘子。且擡你轉去何如。女應曰。如今不哭了。
Another version: Sedan carriers felt much pity on hearing the sobs of a new bride, and so said to her: "How about if I just take you back?" She said: "I'll stop crying right away."
墜轎底^
Bottomless sedan
一新嫁者。中途。轎底忽墜。轎夫相議謂新婦既不可徒行。欲換轎。轉去又遠。女聞之曰。我到有一計。衆喜問之。荅曰。汝外面自擡。我裡面自走。
A new bride was on her way to be married, when the bottom suddenly fell out of her sedan-chair. The chair-bearers conferred with each other, and told the bride that they could not continue. They had to get a new sedan-chair, but it was a long way if they wanted to turn back. The bride heard this, and said: "I have a plan." They were all cheered, and asked what it was. She said: "You can carry on as usual on the outside, and I'll stay inside and walk."
搶婚^
The stolen bride
有婚嫁女富男貧。男家恐其賴婚也。擇日。率男搶女。58悞背小姨以出。女家人追呼曰。搶差了。小姨在背上曰。莫［聽］他。不差不差。快走。
A man from a poor family was about to marry a bride from a rich family. The groom's family was afraid that the bride's family would break the engagement, and so on the appointed day, the groom went in to snatch the bride. By mistake, he grabbed the bride's maiden aunt. The bride's family chased after him, calling out: "You've grabbed the wrong person!" The maiden aunt on his back said: "Don't mind them, I'm the right one, keep running!"
新婦親嘴^
新婦方坐帳。即持新郎親一嘴。新郎怒。随嫁乳媼解之曰。新娘子應是認錯了人。郎君勿惱。
妻畫寢。夫進房見之。就而親嘴。妻呻呤問曰。是那箇。亦可笑。
產兒^
59有新婦初拜堂而產一兒者。婆愧甚。急取匿之。新婦曰。早知親娘如此歡喜。家中大的苐二的。何不一發領來。
新婦屁^
Unbridled farts
有新婦善屁。随嫁一嫗一婢。嘱以遮羞。臨拜堂。忽撒一屁。右願嫗曰。這箇老媽。少焉。又一屁。左願婢曰。這箇丫頭。少焉復一屁。左右願而嫗婢俱不在。乃曰。這箇屁眼60
A bride-to-be was very gassy. Accompanying her at her wedding were an old woman and a servant girl, who were to provide cover for her embarrassing problem. At the marriage ceremony, she let loose a fart. Turning to the old woman on her right, she said "this old nanny!" Not long afterwards, she let loose another fart. Turning to the servant girl on her left, she said, "this little wench!" Not long after, she farted again, but turning to both sides, both the old woman and the servant girl were gone. And so she said, "this butt hole!"
喜郎^
Happy bridegroom
新婦初夜。月事至。夫戱曰。此番若得男胎。他日宜喚為喜郎。次早。夫所脫帽偶為風墜。婦願嫗曰。快拾起喜郎父親的頭巾。
A new bride was spending her first night with her husband. He playfully told her, "if tonight should result in a baby boy, we shall call him Xilang (Happy Groom)." Early the next morning, the husband's hat, which he had taken off, accidentally fell to the floor. The bride turned to her nanny and said, "quick, pick up the happy groom's father's hat!" (#wordplay, also a joke about men who sleep with their daughters in law)
同年序齒錄。往々預填兒名。此亦喜郎父親之類也。
摸脚^
有新婚者。枕向東設。壻疑新婦。或西匿。先從脚頭摸61起。無有也。察之。則兩脚先豎起矣。新婦嘆云。此際尚摸索。又嫁一箇遲貨了。
壻呼痛^
有新婚者。婆憐媳年小未經。夜往竊聽。但聞兒呼痛不止。明日問之。乃為新婦●＝左扌右匍＝痛臀也。
呼不好^
Not good
一新婦初夜。既放進。曰不好。壻曰拿出罷。又曰不好。壻問欲如何。曰。我要拿進拿出。62
A new bride was lying with her husband on the bridal night. When he put it in, she said: "Not good." He suggested that he pull it out, and she said once again: "Not good." He was at a loss, and asked her what she wanted. She replied: "I want you to put it in and pull it out."
解衣^
Disrobing
壻勸新婦解衣。婦曰。母嘱我勿觧。母命不可違。夫勸我觧。夫命亦不可違。正沉吟間。壻迫之。婦曰。我知之矣。只觧下截衣。兩盡了罷。
A man was persuading his new bride to disrobe. She said: "My mother told me that being naked is shameful. I cannot disobey my mother. But my husband tells me to disrobe, and I cannot disobey my husband either." She was in a state of indecision, and her husband was pressing on her, when she said: "I know what to do - I'll only disrobe my lower garments, and with this I can obey both of you!"
作難^
Making trouble
壻初夜。抱新婦云。你父親直恁作難。如今在此了。既行一次。又云。你母親直恁作難。如今在此了。又行一次。復云。你哥子勸也不勸一聲。如今在此了。又行一63次。既畢。新婦云。我家嫂々也是不說好話的。
A man was lying with his wife on their bridal night. As he took her, he said: "Your father was always making trouble, but today I get my way!" And with this, he thrust once. And again he said: "Your mother was always making trouble, but today I get my way!" And he thrust again. Once more he said: "Your brother didn't even bother to say a word to me, but today I get my way!" He thrust again, and then was spent. The bride said: "My sister-in-law is also always bad mouthing you!"
可惜新婦不曾作難。不然還有一次。
It's a pity that the bride herself was not also causing trouble, else there could have been one more round.
用枕^
Using pillows
有嫁女于他［鄉］者。歸寧。母問［鄉］土相同否。答曰。只有用枕不同。吾［鄉］用在頭邊。彼䖏用在腰裡。
A girl was married off to someone from another village. When she came back to visit her parents, her mother asked: "Do they have the same customs in the other village?" She replied: "Only that they use pillows differently. In our village we put them under our heads. Over there they put them under the hips."
抹唾^
Spit
新婚。壻恐婦苦難。以唾抹之。婦曰。原來［鄉］方䖏々別。我那邊男風便用唾64
A newly married couple were spending their first night together. The groom was worried that the bride would find entry difficult, so he rubbed on some spit. The wife remarked, "I didn't realize how every village has its own practices. In our village, it's the gay men who use spit this way."
蝦^
Prawns
蝦能助陽。子方欲下箸。母遽云這留與父親喫罷。子問曰。父親何故要喫他。母曰我兒子。你直待討了新婦自然曉得。
Prawns are said to be an aphrodisiac. At dinner, a boy was about to eat some when his mother suddenly said: "Why don't you leave these for your father." The son asked: "Why does father have to eat these?" The mother said: "My boy, you'll understand when you get married."
絲瓜^
Gourd
有客方飯。偶談及絲瓜萎陽。不如韮能壯陽。已而主人呼酒不至。以問兒。々曰。娘往園中去了。問何為。荅曰。要拔去絲瓜種韮菜65
A guest was at lunch, when the conversation turned to gourds, which were supposed to diminish the libido, unlike leeks which fortify it. Soon afterward, the host realized that the new dishes were not coming to the table. He asked his son what was the problem, and his son replied: "Mother has gone to the garden." "What is she doing there?" "She went to uproot the gourds and plant more leeks."
老䖝^
Old worm
夫妻同卧。妻指夫陽物曰。此何物。夫曰。此白虎䖝也。妻曰。既是白虎䖝。何不進窠去。遂交合有聲。兒在床聞之。呼其母問曰。如何白虎䖝一到窠裡。便數銅錢起來。
Husband and wife were lying together. The wife pointed to his manhood and asked, "what is this thing?" The husband replied, "why this is the white tiger serpent." She said, "why doesn't the serpent come into its den?" And as they coupled there was plenty of noise and jangling. Their son was in bed and listening to this, and remarked loudly to his mother, "why is it that when the white tiger worm goes into its den, it starts to loudly count up copper coins?"
嗔兒^
Insolent child
夫妻行事。妻樂極。連呼我［死］。兩兒俱在床。大兒聞之。不覺失笑。母慚怒鑿其頭。幼兒曰。打得哥々好。聞娘66［死］不哭。反笑。
A couple were having sex. The wife cried out in the throes of passion: "I'm dying! I'm dying!" Their two sons were huddled together in their bed. When the elder son heard this, he couldn't help but laugh. Their mother was furious and whacked him on the head. The younger son said: "Brother deserved it because when he heard that Mama was dying he laughed instead of crying."
一說夫婦行事。欲避兒眼。乃卧兒于床閣板上。已而興發。床俱震動。婦連呼欲［死］。兒忽言曰。你們倒不［死］。搖我跌下來。倒是箇半死。
Another version says that as a couple wanted to have sex, they wished to do it out of sight of their son. And so they bundled him up to sleep on top of the cabinet by the bed. As they went on their way, the bed started to shake, and the wife cried out "oh I am dying!" The son cried back, "even if you two don't die, if I were to be shaken down from here, I would be half dead!"
又^
Insolent child (2)
夫婦日間行事。惡兒在傍。乃始往隔鄰王媽々家去耍。兒纔去復來。母嗔曰。你又來怎麼。兒曰。王媽々家也在那裡如此。
A couple wanted to have sex in the daytime, but were annoyed that their child was hanging around, and so told him to go to Auntie Wang's house next door to play. The son went but then came back. The mother scolded him: "What are you doing back here?" The son said: "Over at Auntie Wang's they are doing the same thing."
半截^
一人慾事［過］度。憊甚。夫婦相約下次興發。止放半截。及行事。妻忽掬夫腰盡納之。夫責以前約。妻曰。我原講［過］下半截。
雙斧劈柴^
Burning the candle at both ends
一人酒色過度而病。醫曰。此雙斧劈柴也。今後須戒。妻從旁睨之。醫會其意。轉口曰。即不能戒色。亦須戒酒。病者曰。色害勝酒。還宜首戒。妻曰。先生的好話不68［聽］如何得病好。
A man fell sick from indulging in too much sex and wine. The physician told him: "this is like burning a candle at both ends. You'll need to give up these indulgences from now on." The patient's wife looked on askance from the side. The physician sensed what she wanted to say, and immediately continued: "but if you can't give up sex, you should at least hold back on the wine." The patient asked, "isn't sex more harmful than wine, and easier to abstain from?" His wife retorted: "if you don't listen to the good doctor how are you ever going to get well?"
多男子^
一人連舉數子。醫士諛之曰。寡慾多男子。兄少年老成。［過］于保養。何不乘此強壯。快活快活。其妻在屏後聞之。曰。先生說得極是。我也生育得不耐煩了。
又有謀娶妾者。妻曰。你將銀來。我討一箇與你。至吉日。命具鼓樂迎妾。妻去髻改粧。從後門上轎。夫于前門迎入。既啟簾。則居然妻也。驚問其故。荅曰。69我做大已不奈煩了。今做小罷。意亦相同。
知痛痒^
Knowing the pain
一婦興發。難對夫言。因令夫在裡床睡。夫于身上［過］去。畧無動靜。婦曰。反不自在。不如仍往外床。夫復［過］之。婦忽哭曰。沒人之我痛痒。夫問為何。妻曰。你在門前經［過］兩次。竟不進來一望。知甚痛痒。
A woman was feeling horny but found it hard to talk about it with her husband. One night, because he wanted to sleep on the inner side of the bed, he crawled over her to get there. However he still felt restless, so the wife said, "if you still aren't comfortable, why not sleep on the outer side again?" And so he crawled over her again. At this point she suddenly started to cry, saying, "nobody knows the painful itch I suffer!" The husband asked her what she meant, and she said, "you have gone past my front door twice already without taking so much as a peek inside - do you know how painful that is?"
夜約^
有夫約婦是夜當盡興。至夜夫因醉。睡去。妻候之良70久。因搖醒之。謂曰。你醉了。日間所言。且莫罷。
燒香^
Making offerings
夫婦同卧。夫有慾心。妻曰。不可。汝明早要某廟燒香。須自志誠。已而夫睡去。妻甚悔之。忽聞窓外兩聲。乃蹴夫醒曰。你［聽］麼。造化到了。
Husband and wife were in bed together, and the husband was feeling randy. The wife said, "no you may not, for tomorrow morning you must go to burn incense at the temple, and have to preserve your virtue." And so the husband fell asleep. The wife was still alert, and heard some sounds outside the window. She roused her husband and said, "do you hear that? Good tidings have come!" (As reward for maintaining bodily virtue)
反目^
夫妻反目。分頭而睡。夜半妻欲動而難于啟口。乃摸夫脚。問曰。這是甚物。夫曰是脚。妻曰獃東西。既是脚71該放在脚蜪裡去蜪音陶。
腹痛^
一婦臨產。腹痛甚。謂夫曰。都是你帶累我的。怨詈不止。夫呵之曰。娘子省得你埋怨。［過］這一次。我閹割了罷。妻復罵曰。臭鳥龜。一時纔覺可些。你又來氣我了。罵語須作病声。方妙
當卵^
一婦攬權甚。夫所求不如意。乃以帶繫其陽于後。而72誑妻曰。適因某用甚急。與你索不肯。已將此物當銀一兩與之矣。妻摸之。果不見。乃急取銀二兩付夫。令速贖取。夫訝其多。妻曰。鋪中如有別人當絕下大此的。貼換一張也好。
祈神^
有病陽萎者。具牲醴禱神。巫者祝曰。世陽世陽。願得卵硬如鎗。病者曰。何敢望此。妻從屏後呼曰。費了大錢大陌。也得如此。
男女胎^
Choosing a baby's sex
問成胎何以或男或女。荅者曰。行房時。左脚起為男。右脚起為女。其人沉吟曰。我得之矣。下次行事時。只撳下他右脚便了撳去按也
When asked how to conceive either a boy or a girl, someone said: When coupling, if the left leg is raised, then the result will be a boy. If the right leg, then a girl. The questioner lowered his voice and said: "I get it now. The next time I do it, I'll just have to press down her left leg."
穩生男^
問如何方穩生男。紿之者曰。并二子納戶中。無不胎矣。夜如其言。納左則右出。納右則左復出。恨曰。便生出兒子來。也是箇強種了。不如罷休。74
藥名^
Name of the game
一人久客歸。妻已育三子矣。訝其何以不夫而孕。妻曰。思君之極。當是結想所成。故命名皆有深意。長曰。遠志。想你出行也。次曰。當歸。想你歸也。又次曰。茴［鄉］。想你回也。夫曰。我若再做幾年客。家裡開得一箇生藥舖了。
A man returned from a long sojourn abroad, and was shocked to find that his wife had borne three sons, He asked her how she could get pregnant while he, her husband, was away. She replied, "I thought of you so much and so deeply, that I got pregnant just from force of will. The names that I gave your sons reflect the depths of my feeling. The oldest is named Yuanzhi (Distant Will), because I thought about you being on the road. The second is named Danggui (Do Return), because I thought about you coming back. The youngest is named Huixiang (Return Home), because I thought about your return." The husband said, "if I were to spend a few more years on the road, we could open here a shop for pregnancy potions."
今正開生藥舖。足下亦是一物。問何物。曰。敗龜板。
They did open this shop after all, selling only one item. When asked what this was, the reply was: "Anti-Cuckold Boards."
官話^
Mandarin
75有好闞者。妻謂之曰。我看妓家容貌。也只平常。你愛他有甚好䖏。夫曰。我愛他官話說［聽］耳。妻即應云。這也何難。
There was a man who liked good looks. His wife said to him: "I had a look at those prostitutes and found their appearance to be only average. Why do you like them so much?" The man said: "I just like the way she speaks Mandarin." The wife replied: "That's not too difficult."
一說客對妓嫌口濶者。因述俗諺云。口濶陰門大。妓即撮口罵曰。小猢猻。
The story goes that a customer complained to a prostitute that her mouth was too big: "There's a common saying that a big-mouthed woman will be loose down below." The prostitute pursed her lips and angrily said: "You stupid monkey."
鄰人看^
Watchful neighbor
一婦訴其夫曰。鄰其常々看我。夫曰。倸他甚麼。婦曰。我今日對你說。你不在意。下次被他看上了。不關我76事。
A wife told her husband: "I find our neighbor watching me very often." The husband replied: "Why do you pay any attention to what he's doing?" The wife replied: "Since you don't seem to mind when I tell you about this today, it won't be my fault if he falls for me one day!"
二婦績麻^
Two wives spinning thread
二婦東西相對績麻。東婦云。我生平未得縱欲。得硬卵一籃。方快意耳。西婦曰。我只要軟卵一籃。東婦云。軟的要他何用。西婦曰。一籃軟的。硬起來。却是兩籃了。
Two wives were sitting facing each other spinning thread. The one facing east said, "in my life I haven't yet fulfilled my dream of having a handful of hard cock to have some fun with." The one facing west said, "I just want a handful of soft cock." The first asked, "what use is a soft one?" The other replied, "a handful of soft cock becomes two handfuls when hard."
訟奸^
有婦訴官云。往井汲水。被人從後淫污。官問云。那時77汝何不立起。荅曰。若立起。恐忒了出來耳。
雍熙寺僧^
Monks of Yongxi Temple
{雍熙寺和尚。奸一婦。々呼四隣來救。和尚曰。本寺從無四隣。東是大帝廟。西是城隍廟耳。婦乃連呼廟々廟同妙。
A monk at the Yongxi Temple was assaulting a woman, and she cried out to the neighbors for help. The monk said, "there is no one living next to this temple. To the east is the temple (miao) to the Emperor of Heaven, to the west is the temple to the City God. You are only crying out 'miao miao' ('wonderful')."
Phonetic wordplay
頭婚妾^
Virgin concubine
一人娶妾。必欲求䖏子。或教之曰。初夜但以卵示之。若不識者。真䖏子矣。如其言。握以問妾。々曰。柳齊也。怒曰。號都曉得不真不真。逐去之。再娶一女。問如前。78以此物對。又怒曰。表都曉得。一發不真。復逐去。最後娶一年極少者。問如前。曰。我不識。曰。此卵也。其女曰。不信道卵是這一點々兒。
A man took a concubine, but wanted to know if she was a virgin. Someone told him that he should expose his manhood to her on their first night together. Only if she did not recognize what they were would she be a real virgin. With this, he went back to his concubine and tested her. She said: "The navel of pleasure!" He was furious and said: "You even know the slang for it! You're no virgin!" And so he cast her out. He took another concubine, and asked the same question as before, and was again furious, saying: "You even know what it looks like! You're definitely not a virgin!" And he cast her out. Finally he took a very young girl as a concubine. He asked her as before what this was, and she said: "I don't know." He said: "This is my manhood." And the girl said: "I didn't realize that it would be such a small little thing."
末句。一云。從不曾見此小卵。亦好。
Another version has the girl saying: "I have never seen one as small as this。"
屁婢^
Farting servant girl
一婢偶于主人前撒屁。主怒欲笞之。見其臀甚白。偶動火。及與之狎。明日主在書室。忽聞叩門聲。問之。乃此婢也。問其來何為。荅曰。我適間亦撒一屁矣。79
A servant girl let loose a fart in front of her master. The master was angry and wanted to flog her on the bottom, but when he saw how fair her bottom was, he was inflamed with lust and slept with her instead. The next day, the master was in his study, when suddenly he heard a knock on the door, which turned out to be the servant girl. When asked why she had come, she replied: "I have just let loose another fart."
哭天^
Crying to the heavens above
一婦聞夫［死］哭天何說。荅者曰。交合時。夫在上。故曰天。婦沉吟久之。悟曰。可知道妻［死］亦有時哭天。
A wife wanted to know why one is said to "cry to the heavens above" when one's husband dies. She was told: "In the act of making love, the husband is on top. Therefore one refers to the heavens above." The wife thought about it silently for a while, and then said: "When a wife dies, one sometimes also cries to the heavens above."
搧屍^
一婦新喪夫。親戚往探。見婦方舉扇搧屍。問其故。對曰。我的天。臨終之際分付我待他冷々。
如此性急。倒不如乘熱＝上執＝。
咬牙^
80有姑媳俱孀居。姑常謂媳曰。做孤孀。須是咬緊了牙管［過］日子。未幾。姑與人私。媳以前言責之。姑張口示媳曰。你看。也得我有牙齒。方好咬。
再醮^
Remarried
有再醮者。初夜交合。進而不覺也。問夫進未。夫曰。已進矣。遂顰蹙曰。如此我有些疼。
A remarried woman was spending the first night with her new husband. He entered her, but she did not realise this and asked him if he was already in. When he said that he was, she immediately knit her brows and exclaimed, "ooh! It hurts a little!"
爬灰^
Digging ash
一翁謂媳曰。娘子竈中灰已滿矣。如何。媳澷應曰。爬81了就是。翁遽曰。娘子親口許下的。莫頼。
An old man said to his daughter-in-law: "Your stove is full with ash, what are you going to do about it?" She was confused, and replied: "Just dig out the ash." The old man was surprised, and said: "You told me yourself to do it, don't accuse me falsely later!" ("Digging ash" refers to incest between a man and his daughter-in-law.)
換床^
Switching beds
一翁欲偷媳。々與姑議之。姑云。不妨。今夜你躲［過］。我自有䖏。乃往卧媳床。而滅火以候之。夜深。翁果至。認為媳也。雲兩極歡。既畢。嫗謂翁曰。老賊。今夜便換得這張床。如何這等高興。
An old man wanted to sleep with his daughter-in-law, but she told his wife about it. The mother-in-law said: "Don't worry. Hide yourself tonight. I have a plan." She went to her daughter-in-law's bed, put out the light, and went under the covers. Deep in the night, the old man actually turned up. Thinking that it was his daughter-in-law, they carried on in bed with great delight. Once it was over, the old woman said to him: "You old rascal. The only thing that was different tonight was the bed. Why were you so much more excited?"
一說嘲賣古董者云。嫗代媳卧。翁往摸之。嫗乃夾緊以自掩。翁認為媳。極言譽之。以為遠出婆上。嫗82罵曰。臭老賊。舊東西也不識。賣甚古董。
A similar story was said about a seller of antiques. His wife swapped places with his daughter-in-law, and the old man went to feel her up. The old woman wedged him tightly and concealed her identity. He mistook her for the daughter-in-law, and so expressed his delight that she was much better than his own wife. At this point she scolded him saying: "You smelly old rascal. You can't even recognize something old, and you call yourself an antiques dealer?"
父子論理^
Father explains
翁方偷媳。其子撞入見之。責其父不通道理。父云。有甚不通。你睏了我的媳婦。我怎不睏你的家婆。
An old man was sleeping with his daughter-in-law when his son barged into the room. He accused his father of going against all that is right. His father retorted: "What do you mean, all that is right? You sleep with my daughter-in-law, so why can't I sleep with your wife?"
陰痣^
Beauty spot
相者云。婦人陰門有痣。必生貴子。一人喜云。果尔。則家嫂乃貴相也。曰。令嫂有痣。兄何以知之。荅曰。家父與房下說。房下與學生說。83
Someone said that if one's wife has a beauty spot on her privates, she would definitely bear one a son. A man heard this and was glad, saying: "So my sister-in-law will be soon giving our household a son!" "How would you know if your sister in law has a beauty spot down there?" He replied: "My father told my wife, and my wife told me."
雷打^
Struck by lightning
有客外者。見故［鄉］人至。問［鄉］中有甚新聞。曰。某日霹靂震［死］數人。都是偷媳婦的。其人驚問曰。家父無恙乎。荅曰。令尊無恙。令祖便棄世了。
A man was journeying when he saw someone from his home village. He asked if there was any news from home, and the other man said: "One day there was a big thunderstorm that killed several people. They were all men who slept with their daughters-in-law." The man was shocked and asked: "Is my father alright?" The reply: "Your father's alright, but your grandfather has passed on."
偷阿姨^
一貧士留小姨宿。而別無鋪陳。乃置脚後。夜半偷之。小姨訴于父母。士曰。非也。乃脚指悞犯耳。小姨連聲罵曰。臭烏龜。臭亡八。弗信道脚指頭。光踢躂。弗信道84脚指頭熱＝上執＝閘々弗信道脚指頭無指甲。弗信道脚指頭毛搭煞。弗信道脚指頭對子裡面只一噆。翁招嫗謂曰。老媽。說起來是卵了。85
The sense of this joke depends on what the unusual character means. It is not in the Kangxi Dictionary.