笑府卷八
Chapter 8
刺俗部^
Rancid customs
1墨憨子曰。人有百病。惟俗難醫。有俗骨者。必有俗態。有俗套者。必有俗腸。有俗譽者。必有俗累。子與稱同俗無刺。豈其然哉。集刺俗部
The Master of Mohan Studio says: Humans suffer from a myriad diseases, of which only custom has no cure. When there are customs of the flesh, there are also customs of manner. When there are customs of the inner organs, there are also customs of the outer shell. When there are customs of reputation, there are also customs of inheritance. Ziyu (Zengzi) said that there is no rancor between those who share the same customs. How might that be?
射虎^
Shooting a tiger
一人為虎啣去。其子執弓逐之。引滿欲射。父從虎口遙謂子曰。汝須是着脚射來。不要射壞了虎皮。2
A man was eaten by a tiger. His son picked up a bow and arrow, and was ready to shoot the tiger, when the father called out from the tiger's mouth: "Aim for the feet. Don't damage the tiger's hide!"
溺水^
Rescue from drowning
一人溺水。其子呼人急救。父于水中探頭曰。是三分銀子便救。若要多。莫來。
A man fell into the water and was drowning. His son called out for someone to help save him. His father stuck his head out from the water and said to him: "If they ask for more than three pieces of silver to save me, don't bother!"
不請客^
Reluctant host
一人性極吝。從不請客。一日鄰人借其家設宴。有見者。問其僕曰。汝家主今日請客乎。僕曰。要我家主請客。直待那□世來。主人聞而罵曰。誰要你許他日子
A person was stingy by nature, and never had guests at his home. One day, a neighbor borrowed his house to stage a banquet. Someone saw this, and said to a servant of the house owner: "So your master finally is playing host." The servant said: "If you want my master to play host, you'll have to wait for the next century!" His master heard this and scolded him: "Who told you to give him a date!"
或云□一世不知做牛做馬。且不要忙。余笑曰。如3此慳吝。只今世便與兒孫做馬牛了
近移此嘲尔債者。妻回債家云。要我家還清。再隔三百年。夫歸知之。罵曰。誰要你約他日子
又^
一吝者家有禱事。命道士請神。乃通陳請兩京神道。主人曰。如何請這遠的。荅曰。近者都曉得你的。說請他。々也不信
私喫飯^
Private meal
4客謂主人曰。宅上好座廳堂。可惜梁柱都被白馬蟻蛀壞了。主人訝曰。敝居並無此䖝。客曰。他在裡面喫外邊如何得知
A guest told his host: "This is a fine hall that you have here. It's too bad that the beams and pillars have been ruined by termites." The host was shocked and said: "We don't have such pests here." The guest replied: "Of course you wouldn't know. They're dining indoors and you're standing outdoors."
有喫糕者。見客至。以書覆之。客曰。世多不平之事。浮屠至高。如何喚他做塔。遂以手揭其書曰。這書地下壓的東西。反喚做糕
不留客^
Hospitality
客遠來久坐主家。雞鴨滿庭。乃辭以家中乏物。不敢5留飯。客即借刀欲殺已乘馬治餐。主曰。公如何回去呢。客曰。憑公于雞鴨中借一隻我騎去便了
A guest from far away sat for a long while with his host. The host had a whole houseful of chicken and ducks, but out of politeness the guest declined to accept any of the animals for his meal. The guest then borrowed a knife and wanted to slaughter his own horse to provide for the meal. His host asked: "How would you go back home?" The guest said: "If I could trouble you to lend me a head from your flock, I can ride it home."
一說客坐至午。主人不留。適聞雞聲。客謂主曰。盡雞啼矣。主曰。此客雞不准。客曰。我肚饑是准的。
名好客^
或誇某人好客。不减孟甞門下三千。聞者慕其高義。往拜之。見門下寂無一人。問諸客何往。鄰家對曰。此際皆回家喫飯去了6
門神^
Door god
夜遊神見門神夜立。憐之。問曰。汝長大乃爾。如何做人門客。早夜伺候。受此辛苦。荅曰。出于無奈耳。曰。然則有飯喫否。荅曰。無。曰。既上他門。如何沒有飯喫。荅曰。若要他飯喫時。又不要我上門了
The night tour deity saw the door god on duty and took pity on him, asking: "You're a fine and hefty fellow. Why persist in being someone's hanger-on? You have such a hard life serving him day and night." The door god replied: "I have no other choice." "Do you at least get something to eat?" "No." "Since they are your hosts, they should at least give you something to eat." "If I wanted something to eat, they wouldn't want to be my hosts."
不謝醫^
問醫者猫生病喫甚藥。曰須喫鳥藥。又問假如狗生病如何。曰喫白藥7
蘸酒^
有性吝者。父子在途。每日洁酒一文。慮其易竭。乃約用筯頭蘸嘗之其子連蘸二次。父叱曰。汝喫如此急酒耶。
海味^
有慕海味而吝于買者。見𫊥蚨擔［過］。偽欲買。取看因以指甲挹取其汁。每食。則稍嘗之。以為嗄飯。夜則以指放被外。極其珎惜。數日後。味變。乃詫曰。早是置不8多。臭了。
粉孩兒^
Dough boys
一人做粉孩兒出賣。生意甚好。謂妻曰。此後做束手的。粉可稍省。果賣去。又曰。此後做坐下的。當更省。仍賣去。乃曰。此後做垂頭而卧者。不更省乎。及做就時妻提起。看之曰。省則省矣。只是看々不像箇人了。
A man was making dolls out of dough for sale. Business was doing well, and he told his wife: "Let's start making them with their hands held together. In that way, we can save on some flour." They still sold well, and so he said: "Let's make them sitting down. We'll save on even more dough that way." They nonetheless still sold well, and so he said: "Let's make them lying down instead, and save still some more." When they actually made them, the wife had a look and said: "Saving is all well and good, but I think they don't really look like people any more."
褲^
Trousers
一人謀做褲。而吝布。連喚裁縫。俱以費布辞去。最後9一裁縫至云。只須布三尺。其人喜甚取布與之。乃縫一管。今穿二足在內。曰。廹甚。如何行動。裁縫笑曰。如此要省定行不動。
A man wanted to have a pair of trousers made, but was unwilling to spend much on cloth. He went from tailor to tailor, but dismissed each of them in turn as being wasteful with fabric. Finally, one tailor said: "I can do it with only three feet of cloth." The man was happy with this, and brought the cloth to him. However, the tailor made only one trouser leg for both his legs. The man said: "This is impossible! How can one walk with trousers like these?" The tailor laughed and said: "You can't expect to save so much and still be able to walk."
卓^
Table
一人做卓。問匠以省木之法。匠曰。只二脚倚楹而用。可也。一夕月明。主欲移放庭中。終難安頓。召匠責之。匠云。屋裡可省。出外却省不得。
A man was making a table. He asked the carpenter if there was a way to use less wood. The carpenter told him: "That can be done. We can make the table with just two legs." After some time, the man wanted to move the table into the entrance hall. But it was impossible to have it stand stably, and so he criticized the carpenter. The carpenter said: "You can save on wood inside the house, but not outside the house."
行樂圖^
10一人要寫行樂圖。連紙墨謝儀。共只三分。画者乃用水墨于荊川紙上。画一背像。其人曰。寫真全在容顏。如何背了。画者曰。我勸你莫把面孔見人罷。
開典^
有慕開典鋪者。謀之人曰。開典用本幾何。曰。大典萬金。小者亦須千許。其人大驚辞去。更請一人曰。百金開一錢當亦可。又辞去。最後一人曰。開典如何要本錢。只須店櫃一張。當票數紙足矣。乃欣然擇期開鋪。11至日。有持物來當者。驗収訖。填空票付之。當者索銀。荅曰。省得称來稱去。費了手脚。待你贖時。只將利銀來便了。
塩荳^
徽人多吝。有客蘇州者。製塩荳置瓶中。而以筋下取。每頓自限不得［過］數粒。或謂之曰。令郎在某䖏大關其人大怒。傾瓶中荳一掬盡納之口嚷曰。我也敗些家當罷。12
末句。一云我也不做人家了。同意。
蘇州多時塩荳。因號塩荳為蘇州人。有徽客歸。［攜］塩荳一瓶餉其妻者。置枕邊。夜與妻合。悞傾荳瓶。妻曰。不好了。滿床都是蘇州人矣。
猴^
Monkey
一猴［死］見冥王。求轉人身。王曰。既欲做人。須將毛盡拔去。即喚夜叉拔之。方拔一根。猴不勝痛呌。王笑曰。看你一毛不拔。如何做人13
A monkey died and met the King of Hades. He begged to be reborn as a human. The King said: "Since you want to be human, we'll first need to pluck out all your fur." He then called one of his yakshas to do it. But on plucking the first hair, the monkey cried out in pain. The King laughed and said: "How can you become human, if you can't even spare a hair (i.e. be so stingy)?"
開門爆杖^
嵗朝開大門。必放爆杖三杖。以响啞卜休咎。一人曰。我只用戒尺拍三拍。更勝。一不要錢買。二不愁火燭。三箇々響
錫馬桶^
Tin toilet
女眷嫌木馬桶易壞。不如打一錫者。可以傳久。一人須錫五斤。訝其太費。斥不用。後遞减至一斤。猶以為多。帷一人止用三兩。喜甚。問曰。三兩如何打。工曰。只14打一錫杓。娘子尿急時。舀出罷了
A woman felt that wooden toilets were too easily broken, and wanted to have one made from tin, which would be more durable. Someone quoted a figure of five pounds of tin. Shocked, she rejected it as being too expensive. When another said he could make it with one pound, she also found that excessive. Finally, someone said that he could make it with only three taels. She was very happy, and asked: "How would you make it with three taels?" The tinsmith said: "I'll just hammer out a tin spoon. When m'lady wishes to answer the call of nature, she can just ladle it out."
指石為金^
The Midas touch
一貧士遇故人于途。故人已得仙術矣。相勞苦畢。因指道傍一磚。成赤金。贈之。士嫌其少。更指一大石獅為贈。士嫌未已。仙曰。汝欲如何。士曰。願乞公此指
A poor scholar bumped into an old acquaintance on the road. The old acquaintance in the meanwhile had already become an immortal. When the scholar had finished listing all his woes, the other man touched a stray brick lying by the road with his finger, turned it into pure gold, and presented it to him. The scholar complained that it was too little, so the other man touched a large stone lion, and presented that to him. The scholar still complained that it wasn't enough. The immortal said: "What do you want, then?" The scholar said: "That finger of yours."
有掘地得金羅漢一尊者。乃以手鏨其頭不已。問那十七尊何在。貪人無厭。大率如此。甞聞一貧士有詩云。要觧心中悶。除非一塊金。方々三十丈。又15要不空心。亦可笑。
千斤起釘器以鉄為之^
新遷居。欲得美讖。乃属千斤于僕。吳語斤金同音曰。到新居。授我。宜大聲曰。家主翁。千金在此。僕頷之。悞置火爐旁。既至熟甚。以袖裹而授之。如主人言。因曰。仔細。看盪了手
造方便^
Doing business
有造方便覔利者。遙見一人揭衣。知必小觧。恐其往所對隣厠。乃偽為出恭者。而先踞其上。小觧者果赴16已厠。久之。其人不覺撒一屁。帶下少糞。乃大悔恨曰。為小失大
There was a man who built a toilet with an eye to profit from it. He saw in the distance a man who was beginning to undo his robe, and knew that he must be on his way to pee, but was afraid that he would patronize the neighbor's toilet instead. He therefore posed as someone who needed to shit, and went to occupy the neighbor's toilet. While crouched there he could tell that the other man went to do his small business in the toilet that he built. After some time crouching, he inadvertently let out a fart, and some shit too, into his neighbor's toilet. At this he sighed deeply and said with regret: "Ah to lose big business for a small one."
惜糞如金。真是成家之子。只怕到頭來一屁不值耳。蘇州有潘十萬者。［死］後至地府。羣鬼哄傳大財主至矣。凡送茶者。送果者。送點心者。趋之惟恐不及。潘許以謁［過］冥王。一搃打發。既投到。出門。衆鬼爭先領賞。潘以兩手摸袖。嘆曰。怎麼好。一箇錢也不曾帶來此。語堪提醒貪夫17
合做酒^
Wine cooperative
甲乙謀合本做酒。甲謂乙曰。汝出米。我出水。乙曰。米都足我的。如何筭帳。甲曰。我决不欺心。到酒熟時。只逼還我這些水便了。其餘都是你的
Two people wanted to make wine together. A told B: "You provide the grains, and I'll provide the water." B said: "If I provide all the grain, how will we split the products?" A said: "I don't intend to cheat you. Once the wine is ready, I'll take away the watery part, and you can have all the rest."
合種田^
Planting together
有兄弟合種田者。禾既熟。議分之。兄謂弟曰。我取上截。你取下截。弟訝其不平。兄曰。不難。待明年。你取上。我取下可也。至次年。弟催兄下穀種。兄曰。今年種了18芋艿罷
A pair of brothers were planting a field together. The millet was ripe for harvest, and they were discussing how to split the yields. The older brother told the younger: "I'll take the upper half, and you'll take the lower half." The younger brother was shocked and said that this wouldn't be fair. The brother replied: "Don't worry. Next year, you'll take the upper half, and I'll take the lower half." Next year, the younger brother was urging the elder to sow the fields. The elder said: "This year, we should plant taro."
討便宜^
Taking advantage
一人好討便宜。市人相戒無敢［過］其門者。或［攜］砂石一塊。自念無妨。逕［過］之。其人一見。即呼且住。急趋入。取廚下刀于石上一再鐾。麾曰去鐾音避治刀使利也
There was a man who was fond of taking advantage of other people. His neighbors warned each other about him, and no one dared to pass in front of his door. Someone decided to walk past his house while holding a pebble in his hand, thinking that there could be no harm in that. The man saw him, and called out: "stop!" and hastened him into his house. From the kitchen he took out a knife, and started sharpening it on the pebble. "You can go now."
新絹裙^
New silk gown
一人穿新絹裙出行。恐人不見。乃聳肩而行。良久。問童子曰。有人看否。曰。此䖏無人。乃弛其肩曰。既無人。19我且少歇
A man put on a new silk gown and went out. He was afraid that no one would see it, so he walked with his shoulders pulled up to his ears. After some time, he asked his servant: "Is anyone looking?" The servant replied: "There's no one about these parts." And so the man relaxed his shoulders, saying: "Since there's no one here, I'm going to take a break."
一說嘲道學云。有道學遇雨。歛手緩步。容甚肅。轉一巷。問童子曰。背後有人看否。大曰。無。乃趋曰。既是無人得知我且避雨
Another version makes fun of Neo-Confucians. There was a Neo-Confucian who got caught in the rain. He drew in his arms and slowed his pace, with a reverent expression on his face. After turning into an alley, he asked his servant: "Is there anyone behind us?" "Nope" He immediately hastened his pace, saying: "Since no one's looking I'm going to go seek shelter from the rain."
說大話^
Braggart
主人謂僕曰。汝出外。須說幾句大話。裝估体面。僕頷之。值有言三清殿大者。僕曰。只與我家租房一般。有言龍衣船大者。曰只與我家帳船一般。有言牯牛腹20大者。曰。只與我家主人肚皮一般
A master told his servant: "When you go out, you ought to exaggerate a little, to keep up appearances." The servant nodded in agreement. So when the servant heard someone talking about how large was the Hall of Triple Purity, he said: "That's just like my master's house." When someone mentioned how big was the Dragon's Coat Boat, he said: "That's just like the little skiff we have at home." When someone talked about a big-bellied bull, he said: "That's just like my master's belly."
一說見馬。則曰。我家狗還大些。見驢。則曰。我家猫還大些。見攤船。則曰。我家主母的脚還大些
Another version says that when he saw a horse, he said: "Our dogs at home are bigger." When he saw a donkey, he said: "Our cats at home are bigger." When he saw a boat, he said: "My mistress's feet are bigger."
又^
Braggart (2)
甲云。家下有鼓一面。每擊之。聲聞百里。乙曰。家下有牛一隻。江南喫水。頭直靠江北。甲搖首云。那有此牛。乙曰。不是這一隻牛。怎謾得這一面鼓
A: "We have a drum at home which is so big, that every time you strike it, the sound can be heard for a hundred miles."
B: "We have a cow at home that's so big, when it takes a drink from the southern bank of the river, its head is pressed up against the northern bank."
A (shaking his head): "That's impossible, there can't be a cow like that."
B: "If there wasn't a cow like ours, how could you have the leather to make a drum like yours?"
又^
21有新婚者。掌禮人喝撒帳詞云。撒帳東。新郎官人的暸子好撞鐘。新婦于帳中應曰。我不怕。伴媼急掩其口曰。豈宜如此。曰。我專怪這様說大話的
又^
一人見肉擔［過］。喚曰。拿肉來。賣肉者歇擔。持秤問曰。官人要用幾斤。其人大言曰。我們這等人家。問甚斤數。你將這一脚称々便了。賣肉者秤訖。曰官人這脚九斤四兩在此。其人曰。也罷。只聽了九斤。其餘都與22你用了
十八般武藝^
一人自誇十八般武藝皆精。適倭警。官府聘之出征。既持鎗列陣。手顫不已。問何為如此。荅曰。我氣極耳
治生帖^
蘇人歲旦拾得申相公帖。因誇于人曰。相公親來拜我。其有取帖視之。乃是治生。曰。有何該管而寫此帖。其人即云。我現住他房子23
曾聞申相公一門客。頗荷恩眷。其子向人誇曰。我父親是普天下苐三箇人了。或問其故。荅曰。苐一是皇帝。苐二是申相公。我父親與相公最厚。不是苐三箇
題柩^
有王媼家富而好勝。臨歿。厚贈道士。嘱之曰。身後題冥位。須多着好字。為里黨光。道士思無可稱。乃題曰。其官隔壁王媽々之柩某官就時地顕宦寔之24
女眷好勝^
甲乙二女眷。甲好奢。乙好朴。同出赴席。乙與甲約裝飾俱從素凈。至席上。乙首無雜飾。而甲則黃白盈頭。察之。乃是借來銅杓覆頂而出。衆譁問其故。荅曰。因銀匠沒工夫耳
孝順媳婦^
Filial daughters-in-law
一翁曰。我家有三媳婦。俱極孝順。大媳婦。怕我口淡。見我進門。就增憎塩嫌了。次媳婦。怕我寂寞。時常打25竹筒鼓。與我聽苐三媳婦更孝。聞說夜飯少喫口。活到九十九。故蚤飯就不與我喫。
An old man said: "I have three daughters-in-law at home, and they are all very filial. The eldest, afraid that my sense of taste is weakened with age, will always add more salt (#wordplay - a pun on "harbor resentment") when I am home. The second, afraid that I am feeling lonely, will play the drums loudly for me. The youngest is the most filial of them all. There's a saying that eating a mouthful less at dinner will keep you living to ninety-nine. And so she doesn't let me eat dinner at all!"
引避^
有勢＝上執＝利者。每出逢冠盖。必引避。同行者問其故。曰舍親。如此屢々。同行者。厭之。偶逢一乞丐。亦效其引避。曰。舍親。問何為有此令親。曰。但是好的。都被你認去了。
唐一士人方姓。好矜門第。但姓方貴人。必認為親26戚。或戱之曰。豊邑方相。何親也。遽曰。再從伯父。戱者笑曰。既是方相令姪。只堪嚇鬼。又吳人陸遠。係進士陸大成堂叔。大成發解。頗有聲望。遠每對人呼大成舍姪。人多厭之。時王弇州在坐。謔云。當不得他還一句遠阿叔也。衆為捧腹。
又^
甲乙同行。甲望見顕者車蓋。謂乙曰。此吾好友。見我必下車。我當引避。不意正避入顕者之家。顕者既入27門。詫曰。是何白日撞。匿我門內。呼僕軰毆逐之。乙問曰。向說好友。何見毆辱。曰。他與我慣是這等取笑的
一說捉進去。撻之十下。乙問曰。既相認。何以見撻。曰。可笑之甚還是前日便宜行事欠的更好。
屁香^
Fragrant farts
有奉貴人者。貴人偶撒一屁。即曰。那裡岐南香。貴人慚曰。我聞屁乃穀氣。以臭為正。今香。恐非吉兆。其人即以手招氣嗅之曰。這一會微有些枯辣氣。28
There was a servant of a high-ranking official. When the official farted, the servant said: "There wafts a southerly fragrance." The official was embarrassed, and said: "I heard that farts emanate from the intestines, and should properly be smelly. If it is fragrant, could it not be an inauspicious sign?" The servant wafted a few times to sniff again, and remarked: "Now I am detecting a hint of dull spiciness."
一說或謂貴人曰。夜夢公活了一千年。貴人曰。夢［死］得生。莫非不祥否。其人遽曰。啐。我說差了。正是夢公［死］了一千年。亦同意。
Another joke has the servant saying: "I dreamed that sire lived for a thousand years." The master said: "The saying goes that dreaming of death brings life; is this not a bad omen?" The servant immediately replied: "Ah! That was a slip of the tongue. I meant to say that I dreamed that sire was dead for a thousand years!" This is much along the same lines.
躂痰^
有清客謂一貴人曰。小子非不知孝順。只因門下人多。爭先奉承。小子擠不上耳。貴人曰。老夫不缺他物。無勞動念。但有痰疾。對客不免。咳吐于地。足下能為我滅迹。感荷多矣。其人唯々。一日廣坐中。聞貴人喉29問有痰聲。急以脚躂其嘴。々為出血。貴人怒詰其故。荅曰。若吐在地下。恐又被人先躂去了。
呵吳音蝦呵相似^
有以歇前語行酒令者。首曰。情所寄。因指酒曰。一壺次席曰。爬甏。問之。荅曰。蟹。又次席曰。我也有了。連呼卵脬。衆譁曰。卵脬是指何物。其人乃張口曰。鰕。
又^
有新中者。趋附甚多。一人挨擠不上。乃以竹竿一枝30通其節。于人樷中伸入呵之。未幾擠折。嘆曰。是人呵脬。偏我去呵。就是呵折了。
妒友^
一門客妒甚。凡同在門下者。無不譖絕。恐復有進。身不離左右。一日偶出。主人苦無相對。聊取市中泥孩兒玩之。此客一見。即極言其不可。主人曰。泥人耳。何妨。曰。古人有言。泥疑人勿用
這主人到像箇泥人。不然。如何憑門客做起。31
掇馬桶^
Emptying the latrine
甲乙俱惧內。乙往訴甲曰。房下迩來作事更狠。至晚馬桶亦要我掇。甲攘臂言曰。這箇𢖼難。若是我言未畢。甲妻背後大喝曰。若是你。便怎麼。甲不覺下跪曰。若是我就掇了。
Two henpecked men were talking. B complained to A, saying: "The missus is becoming even worse. Last night she even wanted me to empty the latrine!" A grabbed him by the arm and said: "That is definitely crossing the line! If it were me, I wouldn't put up with that!" A's wife overheard this and loudly cried out from the distance: "If it were you? Just say what you would do if it were you." A immediately fell to his knees and said: "If it were me I would just empty it."
十弟兄^
有惧內者。欲訪其類扳十弟兄。城中已得九人矣。尚缺其一。因出城訪之。見一人掇馬桶出。衆齊聲曰。此32必我軰人也。相見。到相訪之意。其人搖手曰。我在城外做苐一箇到不好。與你城中做苐十箇。
下操^
一武官惧內。或教之曰。尊嫂特未見兄威容耳。乃盔甲仗劍而入。妻見之。喝曰。汝粧此模様做甚。不覺下跪曰。請問奶々今日可要下操
原來武官盔甲仗劍時。愈如沒用了。可嘆可嘆。
虎勢＝上執＝^
33有被妻毆。往訴其友者。友教之曰。兄平昔懦弱慣了。須放些虎勢＝上執＝出來。友妻從屏後聞之。喝曰。做虎勢＝上執＝便怎麼。友驚跪曰。我若做虎勢＝上執＝。你就是李存孝。
尿鼈^
Chamber pot
有以妻喫醋毒打童婢訴其友者。友曰。老兄勸你罷。只看我房下一箇尿鼈也不容。就打碎了。
A man was complaining to his friend because his wife had beat a servant-girl out of sexual jealousy. His friend said: "Let me give you some advice. In my house, the missus can't even look at a chamber pot without getting jealous. It's now broken to pieces."
脫脚^
Taking off her shoes
妻命夫為脫脚帶。脚臭甚。不覺掩其鼻嘴。妻怒問之。34荅曰。纔吃蒜。怕觸了娘子貴脚。
A wife ordered her husband to take her shoes off for her. Her feet stank terribly, and he couldn't help but cover his nose with his hand. The wife was furious, asking him what he meant by that gesture. He replied: "I just ate some garlic, and was just afraid that the smell might bruise my mistress's precious feet."
呼茶^
Calling for tea
有惧內而好裝體面者。對客屢呼茶不至。餙為怒。且罵。自走取茶。妻伏屏後。見夫至。連批其頰其人忍痛急轉曰。我專怪你不支持茶出來。
There was a man who was henpecked but who liked to keep up appearances. When he had guests over, he called for more tea but it didn't come. He pretended to be angry, scolded his wife, and went to get the tea himself. His wife was hiding behind a screen. Seeing her husband come, she smacked him repeatedly on the cheeks. The man winced and quickly said to her: "I was only saying that you weren't encouraging the tea to come out."
避打^
Avoiding a beating
一人被妻打無奈。鑚在床下。妻呼曰。快々出來。荅曰。男子大丈夫。說不出來。定不出來。35
A man couldn't stand being beaten by his wife any more, and so he hid under the bed. The wife called to him: "You'd better get out!" He replied: "A real man stands by his word! I said I wouldn't come out, so I won't!"
如今為男子大丈夫者。大半皆此軰也。可嘆可嘆。
The so-called "real men" of today are mostly of this sort. It's a real pity.
記酒^
How much wine?
有觴客者。其妻每出酒一壺。即將［鍋］煤畫于臉上。記數。主人索酒不已。童子曰。少吃幾壺罷。家主婆臉上有些不好看了
A man had some guests over at his home for drinks. Every time his wife warmed up a new pot of wine for them, she made a stroke on her face with the soot from the cauldron to keep count. The man kept on calling up more wine from the kitchen. Eventually, the servant-boy said to him: "Do slow down with the wine; Madam's face is becoming quite hard to look at."
曆日^
一官置妾。畏妻。不得自由紿曰。我只得奏一本去。乃以黃袱裹綾曆一册。從外擎回曰。本已在此。妻頗懷36惧。一日。夫出。妻私啟視。見正月大。二月小。喜云。原來皇帝也有大小。看三月大。四月小。都無語。至五月大。六月大。七月大。即怒云。如何熱＝上執＝天都分與我
正夫綱^
Male prerogative
衆怕婆者相聚。欲議一不怕之法以正夫綱。或恐之曰。列位尊嫂聞知。已相約即刻一齊打至矣。衆駭然奔散。惟一人坐定。疑此人獨不怕者也。察之則已驚［死］矣。37
A group of henpecked husbands were having a meeting. They wanted to find a way to stop fearing their wives and restore their male prerogative. Then someone said to them fearfully: "Gentlemen, our wives have found out about this meeting, and are planning on coming to teach us a harsh lesson!" The group immediately dispersed in all directions, except for one man who sat fast in place. Everyone thought that he was the only one there who had no fear, but it turned out that he had simply died from the fright.
婆像^
Portrait
一怕婆者。婆既［死］。見婆像懸于柩側。因理舊恨。以拳擬之。忽風吹軸動。大驚忙縮手曰。我是取笑。
A henpecked man was lately widowed. Leaning on the wife's coffin was her portrait. Owing to his long pent-up resentment, he was going to smack the portrait, but just at that moment a gust of wind blew and made it move. The man hurriedly drew back his hand and said: "I was just kidding!"
節哀酒^
Releasing-sorrow wine
吳俗送火葬者。親友移酒勞孝子。謂之節哀。一人出父殯。領節哀酒。盡醉而歸。視其母笑哈々不止。母怒曰。痴烏龜。死了爺有甚快活。看了我。只管笑。荅曰。我看你身上還有一醉。38
The people of the Wu region have a custom of cremation; at the funeral, friends and family will bring wine to console the bereaved son. This is called "relieving sorrow". A man had just performed the last rites for his father, and received the relieving-sorrow wine. Completely drunk, he stumbled his way home. When he saw his mother, he fell about himself with laughter. His mother was furious, saying: "You useless fool, how dare you be in such good spirits after your father has just died! How can you face me while laughing?" He replied: "With you here, I know that I still have another opportunity to get drunk."
一說母怒曰。爺［死］了有甚快活。喫得爛醉。子睨曰。扯淡。可是你作成我的。亦好。
Another version says that the mother was furious, saying: "How dare you go and have such fun after your father died? Drunk and falling about!" The son looked at her groggily and said: "Shut your trap. It was you who raised such a son."
各爨^
Separate hearths
有父子同赴宴。父上坐。而子逕就對席者。同席疑之。問上席是令尊否。曰。雖是家父。然各爨人矣。
A father and son were attending the same banquet. The father sat at the table of honor, while the son joined the facing table. Those at his table were curious, and asked him if that was his father at the high table. He replied: "Although that is my father, we keep separate hearths."
銀會^
銀會之弊今日極矣。有人拉有作會。友固拒之。不得。乃曰。汝若要我與會。除是跪我。其人即下跪。乃許之。39旁觀者誚曰。些須會銀。左右要還他的。如此自屈。吾甚不取。荅曰。我不折本也。他日討會錢時。拜我的日子正多哩。
一人對客忽轉身曰。兄且坐。我欲進去兌還一主會錢。即出奉陪。纔進內。便出。客問何不兌銀。其人笑曰。我曾筭來。他是痴的。所以把錢與我。々若去還他。也是痴的。
說謊^
Liar
40有慣說謊者。謂衆曰。我昨晚自山間歸。見一蛇。長數百丈。高五六尺。衆曰。此山中安得有數百丈之蛇。其人曰。即無數百丈。數十丈也有。衆曰。即數十丈。亦無之。其人連减至數丈。衆猶未信。乃沉吟曰。怎麼䖏。將次方了。
A habitual liar told a crowd of people: "Last night I was coming back from the mountain, when I came across a snake that was a hundred yards long and five or six feet high!" The crowd said: "There can't be a hundred-yard-long snake in this mountain." The liar said: "Okay, even if it wasn't a hundred yards long it was at least ten yards long." The crowd said: "There's no such thing, even at ten yards." The liar kept revising his estimate downwards, while the crowd kept on being skeptical. Eventually he said in despair: "If it were any shorter it would be shaped like a cube!"
舊唐書載天寶中。有蛇高一丈。長十丈。見北印山下。胡僧曰。水妖也。咒以天竺法。蛇自［死］此說尚未是謊。41
又^
Liar (2)
有兄弟相約。今後說謊。不許相訝。々者罰東銀一兩。一日兄曰。前村井水極佳。昨夜有人盜此井去。為人所覺。追逐之。其人棄于地。跌成三段。弟訝曰。那有此事。兄伸前罰。弟曰明早備東。向午不至。兄往詢之。見弟尚未梳洗。問何故。答曰。昨晚有一恠事。弟婦腹痛。至夜半。連養下十七八箇兒子。兄訝曰。那有此事。弟曰凖［過］罷42
Two brothers placed a bet with each other. Henceforth they would speak to each other with lies. If one should be surprised by a lie, then he would have to pay the other a tael of silver. One day the elder brother said: "The water in our village well is so exceedingly fine that last night someone tried to steal the well. When people got wind of it, they gave chase, and the thief threw it by the wayside, whereupon it broke into three pieces." The younger brother was surprised, saying: "Was there such a thing?" The elder brother told him to pay up. The younger said that he would give him the money tomorrow. The next afternoon rolled around, but the younger brother had still not showed up. His elder brother went to call on him, and found his brother still unwashed. He asked what was going on, and the younger said: "A strange thing happened last night. My wife had pains in her belly, and in the middle of the night, gave birth to seventeen or eighteen little boys!" The elder brother was shocked: "Was there such a thing?" The younger said: "Your turn."
撒酒風^
酒房中鼠擾。廒中鼠多次。乃邀至荅席。以口廒鼠之尾。垂之酒甕中。使吸。下鼠曰。告飲。上鼠不覺應曰。請了。口開鼠墜。因浴酒作聲。上鼠曰。纔告飲又在那裡撒酒風了
有師善酗酒。一日出對曰。雨。弟子以風對。既而曰。催花雨。即對曰。發酒風。又曰園中陣々催花雨。對云。席上遭々發酒風43
不勸酒^
一人赴飲。私念不知坐席幾時。乃自酌半酣。春色而往。既坐。而主人不善勸酒。閒談而已。將別。乃謂主人曰。佳釀已不敢領。只是我原來面孔。望乞見還
［過］謙獎^
甲好諛。乙好謙。乙偶以雨滑失跌。甲見之。扶起曰。適來尊跌雅甚。他人跌不出。乙曰。承兄［過］奬。自愧不成甚跌44
又^
甲乙遇于途。甲問尊姓。乙曰。不敢。年幼無姓。甲曰。人豈無姓。乙曰。百家姓上小々一箇姓。曰。姓甚。曰。姓張。曰。如此說。想令尊亦姓張了。曰。也姓張。賛曰妙哉妙哉。難得一門都姓張
笑林評曰。天帝姓張。名堅。日神姓張。名表。灶神姓張。名单。梓潼姓張。名惡子。張仙即張星。歷代天師亦姓張。然則張姓真隹謙譽都不差也45
快揖^
一人以作揖甚快。屢得罪于人。或教之曰。汝揖時。嘿念正月二月至十二月。乃完一揖。則自遲矣。一日遇友于途。如其言作揖。又遲甚。及揖完。友已去已。乃問傍人曰。是那一月裡去的
踱^
Dawdler
一人善踱。行步甚遲。日將晡矣。廵夜者于城外見之。問以何往。曰將往府前。廵夜者即指犯夜。欲捉送官。46辨曰。天尚未黑。何為犯夜。曰。如此踱法。踱到府前。極早也是二更了
There was a man who was notorious for dawdling. He was walking very slowly one late afternoon, when the night watchman saw him outside the city walls. The watchman asked: "Where are you going?" "Back to my house." Whereupon the watchman arrested him for breaking the curfew and wanted to bring him before a magistrate. The man protested: "It's not yet dark! How could I have been breaking the curfew?" The watchman replied: "With the way that you dawdle, before you reach your front door it would already be two past midnight."
舊嘲踱足。令易嘲善踱者。甚妙
搬是非^
Moving the truth
一家尊奉三教。塑像供養先儒。次釋。次道。々士見之。即移老君子中。僧見又移釋迦于中。士見仍移孔子于中。三聖自相謂曰。我們自好々的。却被人搬來搬去搬壞了47
There was a household that worshipped all three faiths. Offerings were made to the idols in the following order: first Confucius, then the Buddha, then Laozi. A Daoist adept saw this, and moved Laozi to the center. A Buddhist monk saw this, and moved the Buddha to the center. A Confucian scholar saw this and moved Confucius to the center. The three sages said among themselves: "We were doing so well for ourselves, but these people have really messed things up by moving us around like that!"
絕頂議論
賭咒^
Oaths
兩人賭咒。一人曰。我若云々。生碗大的疔瘡。一人曰。我若云々。生屋大的疔瘡。所親私問之。荅曰。若生下屋大的瘡。我自走了出來。由他自痛罷了
Two people were swearing oaths. One said: "If I do such-and-such, may I be afflicted with a boil as large as a bowl!" The other swore: "If I do such-and-such, may I be afflicted by a boil the size of a house!" When asked privately why he would make such an oath, he replied: "If I had a boil the size of a house, I would simply walk out the door and leave it to hurt on its own."
法家^
無頼子怒一富翁。思所以傾其家而不得。聞有茅山道士法最高往訴懇＝左忄右貇＝之。道士曰。我使天兵陰誅此翁。48荅曰。其子孫仍富。吾不甘也。曰然則吾使天火焚其室廬。荅曰。其田土仍存。吾不甘也。道士笑曰。汝仇深至此乎。吾有一至寶。賜汝持去。朝夕供養。拜求彼家自然立耗矣。其人喜甚。請而觀之。封緘甚密。啟視。則紙做成筆一支也。問此物有何神通。道士曰。你不知我法家作用耳。這紙筆上不知破了多少人家矣
硬中証^
有病偏墜者。左腎以家私不均事故于肚皮。右腎自49覺占脬太多。訴狀中。遍求一硬中証相助。無如卵者。乃厚禮結之。及臨審。卵縮首不出一語。右腎抗辨甚力。肚皮不能决。姑發醫生䖏明回報。或問卵何頓軟弱。荅曰。見本主子忒硬掙。我只得縮了
刁民^
一人對客。為虱所囓。難于咬掐。密以兩指撚殺。虱以非刑訴于冥王。々因追攝與虱對理。虱辭窮。其人遂得釋。客以其再生。復來探視。方坐定。又有一虱嚙之。其人曰。且停談論。待我捉了這刁民。省得又去告狀
學樣^
Imitation
有于郊外見遺骸暴露。憐而瘞之。夜聞叩門聲。問之。應曰妃。再問。曰。妾楊妃也。遭馬嵬之難。遺骨未［収］。感君掩覆。來奉枕席。因與極歡而去。鄰人聞而慕焉。因遍覔郊外。亦得遺骸瘞之。夜有叩門者。問之。應曰。飛。曰。汝楊妃乎。曰俺張飛也。其人惧甚。強應曰。張將軍何為下顧。曰俺遭閬中之難。遺骨未［収］。感君掩覆。特51以粗臀奉獻5253
Someone was passing through a wasteland when he saw human bones exposed on the ground. Taking pity on the poor soul, he reburied the bones. At night he heard a knocking on his door. He asked who it was, and the reply: "Fei." He asked again, and the reply: "I am Yang Fei (the Consort Yang, one of the four great beauties of China). I came to grief at Ma Wei, and my remains were not given a proper burial. I am grateful to you, sir, for burying my bones, and I am here to share your pillow in appreciation." And so he accepted her offer with great glee. The neighbor overheard this and was jealous. He went to scout out the wasteland, and chanced upon some exposed bones, which he buried. At night, there was a knocking on his door. He asked who it was, and the reply: "Fei." He asked: "Are you the consort Yang Fei?" But the reply came: "I am Zhang Fei." The neighbor was shocked, and loudly asked: "Why has General Zhang come back to this world?" He replied: "I came to grief at Lang Zhong, and my remains were not given a proper burial. I am grateful to you, sir, for burying my bones, and I have specially come to offer my hairy bum in appreciation."
Phonetic wordplay