笑府卷七
Chapter 7
細娛部^
Refined amusements
墨憨子曰。樂極必悲。勝極必負。自然之數也。闞客之後。流為閒漢。賭塲之中。必有偷兒。君子亦何必硜々然粧道學腔哉。妙在適興而已。集細娛部。
The Master of Mohan Studio says: Excessive merry-making must end in grief; too much winning will prove burdensome. This is a natural law of numbers. After going to the whore-house, one drifts as a man of leisure. In every gambling den, there will always be a loser. Why should a gentleman superficially pretend to adopt the ways of a dusty old scholar? It is only a wonder if one is suddenly awakened to the truth.
闞^
Whoring
客與妓宿。中夜。妓謂客曰。頗思量娘子否。荅曰。他不思量我。我如何思量他。妓曰。汝何以之娘子不思量212也。荅曰。似我這一箇好闞的。你道他思量我也不。
A john was lying with a prostitute. In the middle of the night, she asked him: "Do you think about your wife?" He replied: "She doesn't think about me, so why should I think about her?" The prostitute said: "How are you so sure she doesn't think about you?" He replied: "Do you really think that my wife would spend much time thinking about a whore-lover like me?"
又^
Whoring (2)
妓謂客曰。你便在此作要。你娘子寡在家裡。客曰。他到不寡。妓驚問曰。何以不寡。荅曰。你試詳情。他若是寡在那裡。怎肯放我出來。
A prostitute said to her john: "You are out having fun here, but your wife is all lonely at home." He said, "she is not lonely." The prostitute was shocked and asked how could she not be lonely. He replied: "Just try to imagine. If she was feeling lonely, would she have let me out the house?"
有此虐謔遂令醋婦藉口。
又^
Whoring (3)
闞客自妓館歸。妻問曰。這些淫婦。徑［過］了千萬箇人。213此物一定寬了。有甚好處。你歡喜他。荅曰。不知怎麼緣故。但是名妓。越接得客多。此物越好。妻曰。原來如此。極易事。何不早說。
A john returned home from a brothel. His wife asked him: "These lewd women have lain with thousands of men, they must be really loose down there. How can it be fun for you?" He replied: "I don't know how it works, but with these famous prostitutes, the more customers they have, the better their thing becomes." The wife said: "So that's what it is. If it was so easy, why didn't you tell me earlier?"
又^
一闞客闞盡。遂留妓家服役。乃懸瓦一片。磚一塊。遮其前後。聞有徽客謀為妓造房者。因謂曰。朝奉只出木頭罷。磚瓦都在我身上。
妓問一徽客曰。朝奉賣何寶貨。荅曰。賣幾根小木214頭。妓以為木客也。甚奉之。及細訪。乃擺刀柴于街上賣者。然則出木頭的。亦未可信。
賭^
Gambler
一人好賭。日夜不歸。已破家。止剩一妻。乃以出稍。不幾擲。復輸去。因請再饒一擲。贏家曰。講絕了稍做事。如何又饒。荅曰。有一緣故。房下還是室女。贏家曰。那有此理。荅曰。若不信。你只問我從做親來。那一夜住在家裡。215
A man gambled day and night without ever going home. He lost everything that he had, except for his wife, and soon he wagered her too. However, only after a few rolls of the dice, he also lost her. He then begged to be allowed a few more rolls of the dice. The winner said: "You've already lost everything that you could wager. Why should you get any more rolls?" The man replied: "My wife should be worth a few more turns because she's still a virgin." The winner said: "How could that possibly be?" The man replied: "What's there not to be believe? Have you ever seen me spend a night in my own bedroom?"
王無夢好賭。所得賣文錢。盡以佐呼盧費。王元美問其得意何在。荅曰。爾時偏喜其面真。
又^
一方士自言能變女作男。人問其術。曰。可將猪䐗一枚。納女于中。朝夕滚之。卵自生矣。人騃問何故。曰。終日在䐗賭內滚。怕不出卵。
捉頭^
按君訪察。匡章。陳仲子。及齊人。俱被捉。匡自信孝子。216陳清客。俱不請托。惟齊人以其一妻一妾送顯者求觧。顯者為見按君。按君述三人罪狀。都是敗壞風俗的頭目。所以訪之。顯者曰。匡章出妻屏子。仲子離母避兄。老大人捉得極當。那齊人是呌化子的頭。捉他甚麼。
有偉丈夫至閶門。謂人曰。有名這一箇大馬頭。如何賭錢的也沒有一箇。人問曰。老丈莫非要賭。荅曰。非也。要撚幾箇頭耳。因思昔人有賣賭錢不輸217方者。封緘甚密。一富兒以千金得之。啟視撚頭二字也。可發一笑。
稍^
賭客之子在學堂。聞人說銀子二字。疑甚。索而觀之。曰。此即汝家所謂銀子乎。曰。然。曰。汝哄我耳。這件東西我家喚做見綃。見音現
舊說嘲餘姚先生喚銀為束修。今移。嘲賭客。尤有關係。218
敗^
Wastrel
或勸敗子曰。敗子，回頭便作家。敗子曰。你可曉得我從幼是強頸麼。
Someone told a wastrel: "If a scoundrel repents (lit. turn the head back) he can still make good for himself." He replied: "Ever since I was a child I have had a strong neck."
Wordplay
棋^
一人以好棋破產。因而為小偷。被人縛住。有相識者見而問之。荅云。彼請我下棋。嗔我棋好。遂相困耳。客曰。豈有此理。荅曰。豈不聞棋高一看。縛手縛脚。
教棋^
Chess teacher
219下棋最忌旁觀者多口。有甲乙二人象戱。一人從旁教甲不置口。乙怒。揮拳擊其頰。其人痛極。却步。方以右手摩臉。遽以左手遙指曰。還不叉士。
In playing chess one of the most annoying things is to have bystanders who talk too much. A and B were playing chess. An observer kept telling A how to play, and would not shut up. B was furious, and punched him in the face. The man was in pain but kept going. With one hand he held his face, and with the other he wagged his finger at the board and told A: "shouldn't you take his pawn by now?"
問如何又教。荅曰。專怪他打我。
When asked why he persisted in giving advice, he replied, "especially because he hit me."
鬦牌^
陪賔者鬦牌輸絰帶與人。歸語妻曰。權借你脚帶束腰。妻曰。你自鬦輸了牌。倒教我赤脚麼。
吳語謂空牌為赤脚。220
九件事^
Nine things
一清客值夏天對人愁家常事云。常言開了大門七件事。如今世俗要九件了。人家一發難做。問那兩件。曰。早間那幾朵茉莉花必罷不得的了。夜間這條蚊烟。如何少得。
A guest litterateur was complaining about household matters in the summer: "It is commonly said that to run a household, you need seven things. To date I have found that you actually need nine. Without them, life is hard." When asked what were the additional two, he said: "The stalks of jasmine flowers from this morning are a must. And how can you live without this mosquito repellent incense at night?"
清客只有茉莉花。蚊烟兩件。那有九件。問何故。田柴米油塩醬醋茶。般々都靠別人家。
The guest litterateur only mentioned jasmine flowers and mosquito repellent. But this doesn't make up nine. The rest are: farmland, firewood, rice, oil, salt, fermented sauce, vinegar, and tea. For all these he relies on the hospitality of his host.
除夜^
221幫閒人除夜。與妻同喫夜飯。忽然笑曰。想我一生止受用得一箇字。妻問何字。曰。一箇熟字。你看大老官那一箇不熟。小娘窠婦那一箇不熟。游船上那一箇不熟。戱子歌童那一箇不熟。簫管唱曲朋友那一箇不熟。說未畢。妻忽大慟。其人問故。曰。既是你件々皆熟。如何我這件［過］年的青布衫偏不贖。熟
好東西^
一清客貧甚。外喜鋪張。時有貴客在坐。兒適啼饑。因222呵其子曰。勿哭。頃遣人去買榛松果品回矣。妻甚不堪。乃曰。渠要好東西喫。夫悞謂其助已也。因問何物。妻曰。飯。
飯原是苐一件好東西。非悞也。
荇葉^
清客貧甚。煮荇葉食之。而出赴富兒席。飲空心酒［過］多。遂大噦。而荇葉出焉。乃指而言曰。早上喫白滚湯時。用不多幾箇蓮心。如何小荷葉出得恁快。223
糠^
有閒漢咽糠而出。遇大老官于舟次。呼之喫飯。曰。曉來喫狗肉。已［過］飽。有酒。領一杯可也。既飲。忽吐。主人見之曰。汝云喫狗肉。如何吐出糠來。乃睨視久之。荅曰。我是喫狗的想這狗是喫糠的。
佛手柑^
有請教于老帮閒者。教之曰。大抵凑趣一節。因時制宜。假如此時。佛手柑新出。買幾隻藏之于袖。飲酒中224間。悄々擘下。每位送些。便道你在行了。其人如教。及酒酣。不見分送。老帮閒促之。荅曰。擘下半日了。但未見其囊耳。
失火^
Fire
一閒漢正在懽宴。或報以家中失火。其人將衣帽一整。仍坐云不妨。家當盡在身上矣。或曰。令正却如何。荅曰。他怕沒人照顧。
A man of leisure was enjoying a banquet, when someone reported the news that his house was on fire. The man straightened his hat and clothes, and continued one with the banquet, saying that all he needed was already on his person. Someone asked him, "what about your wife?" He replied, "I'm afraid no one is watching her."
開路神^
Road-opening idol
225金剛遇開路神。羨之曰。你我一般長大。我怎如你喫好穿好。開路神曰。阿哥。你不知我只圖得些口食耳。若論穿着。全然不濟。剝去外一層遮羞皮。渾身都是篾片了。
A guardian deity encountered a road-opening idol, and said enviously to him: "You and I are about the same size and stature. How do I get to eat and dress as well as you do?" The road-opening idol said: "Brother, you don't know that I only get to hunger after some snacks. As for clothing, it's completely useless. Peel away the layer of paint, and I'm just a bamboo strip beneath."
A road-opening idol (kāilù shén 開路神) was carried in front of funeral processions to "clear the way" of any malign spirits or influences (see Encyclopedia of Taiwan).
#wordplay. Mièpiàn 篾片 can either literally be a strip of bamboo, or refer to an educated hanger-on of a rich household whose role was to entertain and amuse the family and its guests.
望烟囪^
一富兒纔當飲啖。閒漢畢集。恠問曰。汝軰何以知之。對曰。遙望竈頭出烟。知是動火。故來耳。曰。我明日煨箇行竈。看你如何。對曰。你若到煨行竈時。我等自然226不來了。
怕煨行竈時。還要來。問來做甚麼。曰。討債。
老白相^
荒歲閒漢無䖏活口。值官府于玄妙觀。施粥。私議曰。我等平日鮮衣美食。今往喫。必貽人笑俄廷久之。無奈腹中餓甚。曰姑待衆饑民喫［過］。尾其後。可也。遠望人散而往。則粥已盡矣。乃以指拉食釜杓閒餘粥。道士見而問之。荅曰。我等撈老白相耳。227
饑民中儘有大老官在內。老白相不妨陪食。
唱曲^
縣前枷號人。封條上或限二月。或限一月。或限數日。惟一枷無之。或問此何罪。荅曰。罪在唱曲。問唱何曲。曰。此景頸隹枷無限。
吹簫^
Piping
吹簫朋友到。主人迎曰。奉候久矣。便請教一曲。曰。我這簫有靈性。須設酒飯祭［過］他。纔吹得響。主人曰。簫228又無肚皮。何用酒飯。笑曰。吹簫人是有肚皮的。
A pan pipe player visited a friend. His host welcomed him and said: "It has been some time" and asked him to play a piece on the pipex. He replied : "These pipes of mine have a spirit, and they require a sacrifice of food and drink to be offered before they will make a sound. The host said, "pipes have no mouth or stomach, why would it need food and drink?" The friend smiled and replied, "they may not have a stomach but the one playing them does!"
劣簫管^
Possessed flute
一家簫管忽然成精。滿屋亂跳。主人訟之張天師。天師拘而問之。簫管曰。不千我事。是他的手自成精耳。問何故推手。荅曰。随你好簫好管。到了他手。定然作恠。
The flute in a household suddenly became possessed by a spirit and started jumping all over the house. The housholder sought help from Celestial Master Zhang. The Celestial Master paid greeting and questioned the flute, who replied, "this is not my fault. It is my master's hands who are possessed by a spirit." When asked why it blamed the hands, the flute replied, "in your hands I pipe along merrily. But in his hands I can raise the devil!"
Phonetic wordplay