笑府卷五
Chapter 5
廣萃部^
墨憨子曰。僧道方外。厥品卓矣。雖然。今之僧。非黃面之僧。今之道。非青牛之道。彼亦直徑馬以作衣食之緣耳。若爾則與庖人工人中人媒人。手忙脚亂舌費唇勞者何異。集廣萃部。
和尚宿娼^
A monk visits a prostitute
一僧宿娼家。以手摸娼前後。忽大呌曰。奇哉妙哉。前130面好像尼姑。後面一似我徒弟。
A monk visited a prostitute. When he used his hands to touch her in the front and back, he suddenly cried out: "What a marvel! In the front she's like a nun, and in the back like one of my disciples!"
又^
一僧宿娼。々遽攀僧頭以就其陰。僧曰。非也。此小僧頭耳。娼意其嫌小。應曰。儘勾了。
硬^
Erection
問和尚曰。汝軰出家已久。此物還硬否。和尚曰。一月只好硬三次耳。曰。若如此。大好。和尚曰。只有一件不好。一硬就要硬十日。131
Someone asked a monk: "You've been a monk for a long time. Do you still get hard-ons?" The monk said: "Only about three times a month." "If that's so, then it's alright." The monk said: "There's just one thing - each one lasts for ten days."
有人自述一日行房三十度者。傍一老嫗聞之。合掌曰。阿彌陀佛。也抵我門一箇月了。以此嫗配此僧。方是對手。
Someone bragged that he could make love thirty times in a day. An old hag standing nearby heard this, clasped her hands and said: "Amitabha, that would last me a month!" This old hag and that monk would be a good match for each other.
跳牆^
一和尚偷婦人。為人所追。既跳牆。復倒墜。見地下有光㾗。乃捻拳印指㾗其上。如冠子樣。曰。不怕道士不認。
聞香袋^
132一僧每進房。輒閉門。口呼親肉心肝不置。衆徒俟其出。啟［鑰］瞷之。無他物。惟蓆下一香囊耳。疑此有來歷乃去香。寔以雞糞。僧既歸。仍閉門取香囊。且嗅且喚曰。親肉心肝。呀你怎麼這等。莫非撒了尿麼。
樁糞^
按院新到。出榜。每寺院要取樁。寔糞一擔。如無者。拆毀其寺。僧與徒議樁。徒許之。行事間。僧屢以指唾抹臋。徒怒。遽起厲聲曰。拆了山門也。說不得。纔樁得些133你又喫去了。如何凑得起。
舊話云。有買糞于寺者。道人索倍價。買者訝之。道人曰。此糞與他䖏不同。盡是師父門樁寔的。
响屁^
一翁以幼孫命犯孤宿。乃送之入寺。々僧具酒欵之。孫偶撒一屁。翁不覺大慟。僧曰。老親家何以發悲。翁曰。我哭我小孫。此後要撒這箇响屁。再也不能勾了。
又一僧患大卵脬。請醫視之。醫曰。此症。他人患之。134可醫。惟出家人最難醫。問何故。荅曰。這一大包。都是徒弟門的屁在裡面。
對穿^
沙彌初誘一師弟。興酣。師弟之陽亦舉。濕津々然。沙彌從後摸着。嘆曰。阿彌陀佛。對穿。
天報^
Heaven answers a prayer
老僧往竹園出大恭。其臋悞戴笋上。小僧見之。合掌云。阿彌陀佛。天報。135
An old monk went into a bamboo grove to take a shit, but accidentally stuck a bamboo shoot up his bum. A young monk saw this, pressed his palms together, and said: "Amitabha, heaven repays."
開葷^
師父夜謂沙彌曰。今宵可𣬿一素𣬝。沙彌曰。何謂素𣬝。曰。不用睡者是也。已而沙彌痛甚。呌曰。師父熬不淂。開了葷罷。
春方^
Aphrodisiac
或問春藥方何者最効。荅曰。麺觔荳腐二味絕勝。問者訝其妄。荅曰。若不信。只看這些和尚。
Someone asked what was the most effective aphrodisiac. The answer came: "Noodles and tofu - these two are very effective." He was startled: "How can this be?" "If you don't believe me, just have a look at those monks."
至々生曰。和尚何嘗吃麵觔荳腐。只怕還在那裡136喫春藥。
When have monks limited themselves to noodles and tofu? One fears that they have also been taking aphrodisiacs on top of it all.
雀^
Sparrow
鷂子追雀。々投入一僧袖中。僧以手搦定曰。阿彌陀佛。我今日喫一塊肉。雀閉目不動。僧謂已［死］。纔縱手。雀即飛去。僧曰。阿彌陀佛。放生了你罷。
A sparrow-hawk was chasing a sparrow, when the sparrow flew into the sleeve of a monk. The monk grabbed it in his hand, and said: "Amitabha, today I have meat to eat." The sparrow closed its eyes and didn't move. The monk thought it was dead and released his grip, whereupon the sparrow immediately flew away. The monk said: "Amitabha, I shall set you free to earn merit."
鰕^
Shrimp
和尚私買鰕食。鰕在熱＝上執＝［鍋］中亂跳。乃合掌低聲向蝦曰。阿彌陀佛。耐心。少時紅熱＝上執＝。便不疼了。137
A monk secretly bought some shrimp for a meal. The shrimp jumped wildly in the hot pot, whereupon the monk put his palms together and whispered to the shrimp: "Amitabha, have patience, in a short while you will turn red, and it will hurt no more."
強盜頭^
Bandit's head
人問強盜頭如何剃。荅曰。剃伴爿的。曰。原來兩箇強盜頭。只抵得一箇和尚。
How do you shave a bandit's head? The answer: "Shave only half of it." "So it takes two bandit heads to match up to one monk."
追度牒^
Revoking the license
一縉紳遊寺。問和尚喫葷否。曰。不甚喫。但逢飲酒時畧用些。曰然則汝又飲酒乎。曰。不甚飲。但逢舍岳妻舅來畧陪些。問者怒曰。汝又有妻。全不像僧家。明日當對縣官說。追你度牒。僧曰。不敢欺。前年賊情事發。138已追［過］了。
An official visited a temple, and asked the monks if they ate pungent vegetables (forbidden to Buddhist monks). They said: "Not too much, but once in a while to go with our wine." "And you drink wine?" "Not too much, but only when our wives and in-laws come for company." The official was furious and said: "You lot have wives, and call yourselves monks? Tomorrow I will report this to the county court, and have your ordination licenses revoked! " The monks replied: "We don't want to lie to you. After last year's banditry case, they were already revoked."
近來僧家。五戒若掃矣。此僧尚守一不妄語戒。
鄷都^
有素不信佛事者。及［死］。坐罪重。乃傾其冥資。欲延僧鬼作功果遍覔不淂。問人曰。此間固無僧乎。曰。來者皆發去鄷都。那得在。
禅僧^
一士從禅僧勸。問修行如何用功。教以先習打坐。士139坐片時。忽跳起曰。坐禅果有効騐。僧問。何以見得。荅曰。十年前有人借一糞料。忽于此中省得。
代謂經^
一士遊佛寺。至西房。為僧所慢。怒而出。復往東房。見僧方誦經。問曰。汝與誰家懺悔。對曰。閒時誦下。若有檀越布施。即畫在他名下去。士忽鏨僧頭不已。僧曰。小僧何罪。士曰。適西房賊禿可惡。此打可畫在他名下去。140
丘沒謂釋珊。々殊微。傾之。有州將子弟來謂。珊接之甚恭。浚意不平。珊曰。接是不接。不接是接。浚勃然起杖珊數下。曰。和尚莫恠。不打是打。々是不打。
遇虎^
和尚功德回。遇虎。惶迫甚。以鐃鈸一片擊之。虎衘訖。復進。在一片。亦如之。乃以經卷投虎。々急走歸穴。々中虎問故。荅曰。遇一和尚無禮。止擾他兩片薄脆就支一本䟽簿來。不得不跑。141
一說。投之以經。虎啣訖。又來。僧乃去帽。以光頭撞虎。々急跑回。僧歸人述之。人曰。我曉得了。這决是箇雌虎。更有味。
坐席^
一老僧遣其徒代赴醵飲。歸。老僧問坐苐幾。荅曰。首席杜某。次席徐某。杜肚徐臍之下。就是小僧。
雪^
Snow
一僧從門外來時。雪花飄集僧頂。有見者問曰。師父142頭上白者何物。僧以手摸其頭。曰。想是雪洩了。
A monk was stepping out the door, when a snowflake fell on his head. Someone saw it and asked: "Master, what is that white stuff on your head?" The monk touched his head with his hand, and said: "I must be leaking!"
又一婦人市猪血。從人叢中行。觸污僧衣。僧詈之。婦曰。誰教你撞了我身上來。
A woman went to the market to buy pig's blood, and was making her way through a crowd when she accidentally soiled a monk's robe. The monk scolded her, and the woman said: "It's your fault for rubbing yourself up against me!"
行脚^
頭虱為褲中虱邀去。值其人行事。久之方歸。其黨問何所遇。荅曰。相邀遊黑松林。遇一和尚。又問和尚如何。曰。初時軟弱郎當。似怯病和尚。已而昂藏堅挺。似少林和尚。及其出入不休。似當家和尚。忽然嘔吐。似143中酒和尚。問者曰。究竟是甚麼和尚。曰。臨了時施却包袱便走。還是箇行脚和尚。
登塔^
Climbing a tower
有士欲登塔。僧曰。小僧賤恙。不敢奉陪了。士既登而下。僧問觀覽如何。士曰。妙甚。只你就好看了。乃以指約三寸許。謂曰。下面偌大一箇和尚。上面看了只這掘兒。
A gentleman wanted to climb a tower. The monk said to him: "This humble monk is low and cowardly, and would not presume to accompany you." The gentleman went up anyway and came down. The monk asked him how the view was. He replied: "It was wonderful, you should have seen it." He held two fingers about three inches apart and said: "What is a full-sized monk down here, up there is only yea big."
一說漁婦與僧結兄妹。登塔後。漁婦嘲僧云云。僧144曰。你也好看。乃以四指約為梭形。謂曰。下面偌大一隻漁船。上面看了。是這件一箇東西。
The story goes that a fisherwoman and a monk became sworn siblings. After climbing the tower, the fisherwoman mocked the monk. The monk said: "You'd better watch it." He held up four fingers in the shape of a plank of wood, and said: "What looks like a big fishing boat down there, from up here, is only this little thing."
摹景^
Recalling the view
一僧立橋上玩水。吟曰。清水綠悠々。照見老僧頭。道人從旁大笑。僧問之。荅曰。我想此兩句詩。師父是摹擬脚桶裡光景。
A monk stood on a bridge admiring the water below. He declaimed: "Lo see how clear the water blue, to show this old monk's image true!" A Taoist standing by laughed out loud. The monk asked him why, and he replied: "I think that in these two links of verse, Master is recalling the view in a foot-basin.
懴悔^
一僧懴悔亡人。須銀三錢。包送西方。婦與色銀。僧遂145念東方。婦不悅。以色銀對。即算補之。改念西方。婦哭曰。我的天。只為幾分銀。使你跑到東。又跑到西。我好不苦。
又^
一孝子懴悔亡父。僧誦普庵呪。至南無佛陁耶。爺孝子喜曰。正愁我爺難［過］奈河橋。多承陁了。乃出銀劳之。僧曰。你若肯佈施時。連你娘也陁去罷。
舊尚有僧迦耶一叚。今去之。146
僧趂船^
一僧要趂船。應曰。舟中有女客。須閉眼。方可趂你。僧如教。既至岸。呼僧起身。忽鑿僧頭一下。僧攢眉曰。阿彌陀佛。眼也不曾開為甚打小僧。其人曰。我只問你箇肚裡那來搭。那來搭吳語猶云怎麼樣在那裡也
尼庵^
Nunnery
一僧往尼庵借宿。尼拒之曰。小庵甚窄。且是女僧。不好相留。僧曰。我是凈身僧也。無妨。尼乃納之。臨寢。尼147問僧曰。汝等凈身後。還長出些否。僧曰。如不修仍要長。尼曰。長幾何。僧曰。一年長一寸。尼曰。汝幾年不修了。僧曰。約有七八年。尼合掌曰。阿彌陀佛。勾了。
A monk went to seek accommodation at a nunnery. The nun tried to fend him off, saying: "This nunnery is very small, and we nuns are women, so it would not be good to accept you." The monk said: "I am a eunuch monk, so there is no danger." And so the nun let him in. As they got to the quarters, the nun asked the monk: "After you were castrated, does it grow back?" The monk said: "If one does not cultivate oneself, then it will." The nun asked: "How much does it grow?" The monk said: "An inch a year." The nun asked: "How long have you not cultivated yourself." The monk said: "About seven or eight years." The nun pressed her palms together, and said: "Amitabha, I get it."
齋字^
一僧讀齋字。尼認是齊字。因而相爭。一人斷之曰。上頭是一樣的。但下頭畧有些差。
Phonetic wordplay
念佛尼^
Nun on a boat
一嵗極寒。有珠船膠于洞庭湖。舟中絕食。餓且［死］矣。148見傍舟一尼。蓄米甚多。願以珠减價往易。尼方擊木魚念佛。曰。不要不要。客曰。願以斗珠易一石米。尼亦曰。不要不要。乃至升珠易升米。尼猶曰。不要不要。客曰。汝意如何方肯。尼念佛不停口曰。餓［死］了。怕這一船不是我的。
It was a very cold winter. A pearl boat was frozen fast on Dongting Lake. The food on board was running out and the passengers close to starving. They saw another boat close by, with a nun sitting in it, and laden high with rice. They wanted to trade some pearls at a discount for the rice. The nun however kept tapping her temple block and said: "No, no." The passengers said: "We'll trade ten pints of pearls for a hundred pints of rice." The nun still said: "No, no." They raised the price: "One pint of pearls for one pint of rice." The nun kept saying: "No, no." The passengers said: "How much do you want before you will trade us the rice?" The nun continued tapping away, and said: "I'm also starving. I'm afraid this boat isn't mine."
入觀^
Entering the monastery
有無妻者。每放手銃。則以尾＝瓦＝礶盛之。久之精滿。將［攜］出傾棄。乃對礶痛哭曰。我的兒。只為沒娘。所以送你149入了礶。觀
There was an unmarried man who always jacked off into a jar. After some time it was full and he was about to empty it out. But then he started crying, saying to the jar: "My son! It is only because you have no mother, that I had to send you to a monastery."
#wordplay. Guàn 礶 (variant character for 罐, "jar") is a homophone for 觀 ("Taoist monastery").
傳法^
老道與小道同睡。小道求傳法術。老道云。法術甚多。小道云。今夜先傳些。老道云。既是要傳。你先伏起壇來。
赤鼻頭師父^
Teacher Red-nose
一人往道觀。見道士方低頭用印。問曰。你家赤鼻頭師父何在。道士以為請做醮者。即以印色抹鼻。應曰。150是我。其人曰。舊有小欠。特來奉索。道士急以手背從鼻上揩去。指東曰。這便在東房。
A person went to a Taoist temple. When he saw a priest, he bowed deeply and asked: "Where is Teacher Red-nose of your temple?" The priest thought that he wanted him to perform rites, and so rubbed some color on his nose, and answered: "It is I." The person replied: "I have an old score to settle, and have specially come to seek him." The priest hastily rubbed his nose with the back of his hand, and pointed east, saying: "He can be found in the East Room."
傷飽^
一道士與行童至人家做醮。其家奉齋。凡謝將之物。二人盡之而歸。遂至傷飽。中途。風墜板巾。命行童拾之。童曰。我若替你拾得板巾。不自家結了襪帶。已而見一堆牛糞。道士摩腹嘆曰。我若也撒出這些。腹中便得爽快。既至家。謂守者曰。急將藤床面豎起。我要151睡々。守者曰。師父病矣。可贖貼藥來喫。道士曰。我涓滴也添不下了。討些圍藥圍々肚皮罷。
鬼迷^
Possessed
一道士［過］王府基。為鬼所迷。頼行人救之。扶以歸。道士曰。感君相救。有一●＝左「礻」右「區」＝邪符。聊以奉謝。
A Taoist priest was passing Wangfuji, when he was possessed by a spirit, and needed to be rescued by passers-by. When he was brought back to safety, he said: "I thank you gentlemen for saving me. Here are some magical talismans as a token of my thanks!"
廚子^
Cook
一廚子調羹。主家嫌其味不隹。乃曰。似你家這副竈頭。可調得好羹出麼。
A cook was serving up food, when the householder complained that the taste was lacking. The cook replied "With a stove like this in your house, can that comes out of it taste good?"
152主家宜荅云。似你這箇廚子。可用得好竈頭麼。
The householder could have easily replied: "Would a cook like you even know how to use a good stove?"
又^
Cook (2)
有廚子在家切肉。匿一塊于懷中。妻見之罵曰。這是自家的肉。何為如此。荅曰。我忘了。
A cook was cutting meat at home, and slipped a piece into his pocket. His wife saw this and scolded him: "This is meat from your own home! Why steal it?" He replied: "I forgot where I was."
茶酒^
Tea and wine
或慕蘇州有天池茶三白酒甚隹。特買舟來訪。悞投一村落索飲。則惟老葉湯。酸白酒耳。訝曰。久慕蘇州如何有此惡茶惡酒。荅曰。近來風俗變了。要好茶酒153正是難得。
Someone heard that extremely good tea and wine could be found in Suzhou, and so specially hired a boat to seek it out. By mistake, he landed in the wrong village for their search, and could only find soup brewed from old leaves and sour vinegar wine. In shock he said: "Suzhou has long been famous, how can there be such horrible tea and wine?" The answer came: "Fashions have recently changed. If you want good tea and wine, it is now hard to find."
吹手^
一人厭吹打咶耳。冀別有清雅之音。使人謂曰。可另換一調來。吹手曰。調是沒得換了。除非最嚮些罷。
待詔剃頭^
一待詔剃僧頭。失刀割墜一耳。僧痛極失聲。待詔慌于地下拾此耳。兩手捧之曰。師父不要忙。原生不動在此。154
又^
A barber shaves a head (2)
一待詔初學剃頭。每刀傷一䖏。則以一指掩之。已而傷多。不勝其掩。乃曰。原來剃頭恁難。須得千手觀音纔好。
A barber was learning to shave a head. Each time he cut the person with his knife, he used a finger to stanch the bleeding. But soon there were more cuts than he could handle. And so he said: "Who knew that shaving heads was so hard? It is a job for a thousand-handed Guanyin!"
待詔剃頭纔舉手。所傷甚多。乃辭主家曰。此頭尚嫩。姑再俟之。
篦頭^
篦頭者。必有主頋。一日偶被賊偷。次日至主頋家。主155人見其戚容。問之。荅曰。辛苦所積。昨宵被盜。仔細想來。只當與賊篦了頭耳。主人怒而逐之。他日另換一人。其人問曰。某人是宅上主頋。如何𨚫換小人。主人為述前言。其人曰。這樣不會說話的也出來弄甚卵。
取耳^
一待詔為人取耳。其人痛極。問曰。左耳還取否。荅曰。右完。次及左矣。其人曰。我只道你就是這等取［過］去了。156
又有取耳樂甚。不覺口掣。待詔遽批其頰。駭問何故。荅曰。汝已咬將來矣。
裁縫^
Tailor
年早。太府令法官求雨。々不至。太府怒。欲責法官。々稟云。小道本事平常。不如某裁縫好。太府曰。若何。荅曰。他要落一尺。就是一尺。
Early in the year, the official ordered the Taoist priest to pray for rain, but rain did not come. The official was angry, and wanted to censure the priest. The priest said: "This poor Taoist is of mediocre ability. Why not invite a tailor to do the job." The official said: "How so?" The reply: "When he wants something to fall by one foot, it falls one foot."
若果用裁縫。又恐是水荒了。
If they had asked a tailor to do the job, it might have brought a flood.
皮匠鞋^
157一皮匠。生平止用皮底一雙。凡替人□鞋。出門必落。輙尾其後。拾取以為本錢。一日尾之不獲。泣曰。本錢送斷矣。及歸。見底已落戶內。
修靴^
一士命匠修舊靴。匠失之。將賠以新者。明日士來索。匠訴其故。且云。相公造化。某今不敢索錢。只須一請足矣。士喜。為設酒食。他日索靴。匠云。相公今次又應請我矣。士問故。荅曰。前鞋今已尋出。158
木匠^
一木匠每動斧削。輙傷其手。徃鐵鋪打一鐵手罩之。既罩。又難于握木。乃謂鐵匠曰。與我鋸些剉㾗在上。待我單了手。一㮣剉々罷。
又^
Carpenter (2)
一匠人裝門閂。誤裝門外。主人罵為瞎賊。匠荅曰。你便瞎賊。主人曰。我如何瞎。曰。你有眼。呌我這一箇匠人。159
A carpenter installed the bolt for a door, but put it on the outside by mistake. The house owner scolded him, calling him a blind scoundrel. The carpenter replied: "You're the blind scoundrel." The owner said: "How am I blind?" The reply: "You have eyes, but still called a carpenter like me to work for you."
銀匠^
Silversmith
一人至銀匠家。見方打一銀盆。問何用。荅曰。偶缺凈手盆。胡亂打此。問何不用銅盆。荅曰。這兩日銅反貴是銀子。又問何故。荅曰。因人家來打首飾者太多耳。
A person came to the house of a silversmith, and saw him hammering out a basin of silver. He asked what it was for, and the silversmith replied: "I happened to lack a washbasin, so I'm just hastily knocking one into shape." "Why not make one out of bronze?" "These past few days, bronze has been scarcer than silver." "Why is that so?" "Because too many people have been coming to make jewelry."
又^
一人傾成色銀用。既傾出。覺其太低。與匠爭論。久之曰。我不用成色了。你綽還我原銀罷。匠矣曰。足下莫非癡的。也須有些銀氣在內。方可綽得。160
棲麻雀^
Trapping sparrows
或有女欲招有手藝之人。能養老婆者妻之。媒說一人善棲麻雀。父私念亦可日進分文。因約為婿。三朝後。命出生理。恐其辛苦。每日只限十雀。至晚不歸。舅往伺。見壻方執竿候雀。問已滿數否。荅曰。快矣。棲得此雀。只少九隻了。
A girl was looking to marry someone with skills, who could provide for a wife. The matchmaker recommended someone whom she said was skilled at trapping sparrows. The girl's father thought, this is something that could provide a steady income, and so he agreed to the match. Three days later, he ordered the son-in-law to go out and do ply his trade, but not wanting to put too much of a burden on him, said that he need only trap ten sparrows a day. The evening came and the son-in-law was still not home, and so he went out to look for him, only to find him grasping a rod trying to coax a sparrow to perch on it. He asked: "Have you met your quota for today?" The son-in-law replied: "Almost, as soon as I get this one, I will have only nine more to go."
酒店^
Inn
一人上酒店。見店中無客。喜其清凈。已而店主出。急161取索縛客于柱。客訝曰。買酒飯喫。何為見縛。店主曰。我若乞火去時。怕你又走了。
A man went to an inn. Seeing that there were no other customers there, he liked the peace and quiet. At that point, the innkeeper came out, and hurriedly brought out a rope to tie the customer to a pillar. The customer was shocked, and said: "I'm just getting a meal here; why the rope?" The innkeeper replied: "I was afraid that when I go to start the fire to cook, you might leave."
漁婦^
Fishwife
呼所愛曰。我的肉。此通稱也。漁舟夫婦交合歡甚。婦抱夫頸呼曰。我的魚。
When proclaiming one's love to another, one commonly says: "My flesh!" On a fishing boat, husband and wife were merrily together. The wife hugged her husband and exclaimed: "My fish!"
黑魚^
Black fish
有舉網得大黑魚者。魚力大。握之不住。復失之。對岸人笑之曰。好箇大魚。如何沒出息。放了他去。荅曰。我162是不喫黑魚的。
A man caught a big black fish in a net, but the fish was too strong, and he couldn't hold on, so it got away. Someone on the opposite bank laughed and said: "Such a big fish! Why didn't you bring it in but let it go?" He replied: "I don't eat black fish."
媒人^
Matchmaker
有𤵚背男子嘱媒人曰。我寧捐厚聘。必欲擇一美婦。事成。許以厚謝。適一女亦病𤵚。而嘱媒亦如之。媒陰為兩家說合。及何卺。相見。各詫曰。不成事矣。媒曰。不妨。試取鋤來。乃置鋤于中。而令二𤵚東西倚之。指曰。這不是箇水字。
A hunchbacked man instructed a matchmaker: "I am prepared to pay a huge bride-price, but I must find a beautiful wife. If successful, you'll be rewarded richly." By coincidence, there was a hunchbacked woman, who had also hired this matchmaker. The matchmaker paired the two together but kept their condition a secret. When they finally saw each other at the nuptial ceremony, they were both shocked and refused to proceed. The matchmaker said: "Wait a moment." She brought in a hoe, stood it up vertically, and told them to both to lean on it. "There, doesn't that look like the character shui (water)?"
又^
Matchmaker (2)
163有憂貧者。或教之曰。只求媒人足矣。其人曰。媒安能療貧乎。荅曰。随尔窮人家。經了媒人。口就發跡了。
A man was worried about being poor. Someone instructed him: "Just ask the services of a matchmaker." The man said: "Can a matchmaker really cure poverty?" The reply: "Any old beggar becomes a rich man after meeting a matchmaker."
中人^
Courtier
玉帝修凌霄殿。偶乏用。欲將廣寒宮典與人皇。因思中人亦得一皇帝方好。乃請竈君下界議價。既見朝。朝中訝之曰。天庭所遣中人。何黑如此。竈君笑曰。天下那有中人是白的。
The Jade Emperor fixed up the Palace of Virtuous Mist. Because he rarely used it, he wanted to rent out the Moon Palace to a human emperor. He thought that having an emperor in his court would be nice. And so he asked the Kitchen God to descend to the mortal world to discuss the terms of the lease. When he went to the (mortal) imperial court, they were shocked and said: "Why has the heavenly court sent a courtier who is as black as you?" The Kitchen God laughed and said: "In the mortal world, is there any courtier who is white (pure)?"
凡媒人醫人之類随意可換。164
The same joke could be made of matchmakers, physicians, and the like.
老翁^
Old man
老翁與嫗行房。嫗恥其寬。以手向後撮緊。翁苦陽萎。亦以兩指夾之塞進。嫗嗔之。翁曰。你打後手。我怎不用些搭頭。
An old man and woman were in bed together. The old woman was ashamed that she was too loose, and so used her hand to pinch it tighter together. The old man was worried that he was too soft, and so wedged it between two fingers and shoved it in. The old woman complained, and the old man said: "You held it from the back, so why can't I support it from the front?"
又^
Old man (2)
老翁續娶一嫗。其子夜往竊聽。但聞連呼快活爽利。子訝曰。吾父高年。尚有此老本事乎。及細察之。乃是命嫗抓背。
An old man remarried, taking as his wife an old woman. His son snuck around to eavesdrop one night, but heard cries of pleasure and excitement. The son was shocked and said to himself: "The old man's still got it in him, even though he's an old codger." But on a closer look, it turned out that he had only asked the old woman to scratch his back.
又老翁冬夜醉卧。置脚爐于被中。誤［爇］其腿。早起罵鄊鄰曰。我老人家多了幾杯酒。睡去了。你們後生家。難道燒人臭也不聞得。語亦可笑。
Another old man went to bed drunk in the winter, and brought a brazier under covers with him. He burnt his leg, and the next morning went to scold the neighbors: "I'm an old man and had too many drinks and fell asleep. But you are young people! Couldn't you smell the burning flesh?"
婢生子^
A servant-girl's son
有婢所生子既長。或問其號。子謙讓久之。乃云。賤號小梅。問尊公原號何梅。荅曰。非也。乃家母名臘梅耳。
The son of a servant girl was grown up, and someone asked him what was his pseudonym (hào). The son politely demurred for a long while, and then finally said: "My humble pseudonym is Sweet." "Did your late father's pseudonym also have the word 'sweet' in it?" He replied: "No, my mother's name was Wintersweet."
#wordplay. This joke doesn't translate very well.
或謂市井號多用少。小。紹。後類。一字相沿。累世不絕。可厭甚矣。余曰。古不諱名。即無號不更雅乎。且166今日某庵某所某齋。雪片皆是。與市井相沿何異。猶憶二十年前有以所字為號者。一時効之。凡齋庵之號。俱改為所。友人相遇問號。至云。尊號是甚所。尤可發㗛。
It is said that pseudonyms with the characters shào 少 (junior), xiǎo 小 (little), shào 紹 (receive) and the like are very common in the marketplace. Once one character becomes popular, it persists for ages, which is annoying. After all, didn't the ancients not conceal their real names? It should be even more prestigious not to have a pseudonym. Anyway, these days it is common to have a pseudonym ending in ān 庵 (monastery), suǒ 所 (place), or zhāi 齋 (residence). They are as abundant as snowflakes. What difference is there with the trends in the marketplace? I remember a time twenty years ago when the character suǒ (place) was for a moment so fashionable, that everyone who had zhāi (residence) or ān (monastery) in their pseudonyms all changed it to suǒ. When friends met up and exchanged pseudonyms, they would ask: "Where is your esteemed pseudonym?" which is especially funny.
朝奉^
徽人狎妓。賣弄才學。臨睡。要各呈一故事。乃舒妓兩股。以其陰對己之陽。曰。此丹鳳縫朝陽也。妓亦以其陽對己之陰。徽人問曰。此何故事。妓曰。卵袋朝縫。
Phonetic wordplay
#wordplay. Xiè 洩 ("leak") sounds like xuě 雪 ("snow").