笑府卷四
Chapter 4
方術部^
Diverse occupations
墨憨子曰。孔墨之後。儒分為八。墨離為三。白再踰而成黑。雖小道。必有可笑者焉。集方術部。
Mohanzi says: After the time of Confucius and Mozi, the Confucians split into eight schools, while the Mohians split into three. White has shaded into black. Although these are minor occupations, there is still much worth laughing about. The chapter on diverse occupations follows...
醫人^
有遇醫士出門者。犬適欄門而吠。主人喝之即止。醫贊其觧人意。主人曰。此畜生頗々依醫人。
Phonetic wordplay
幼科^
Pediatrics
108富家延二醫。一大方。一幼科。適客至。問一位何人。主人荅曰。皆名醫。又問那一科。主人指曰。這是大方。這是小兒。
A wealthy household had two physicians in residence, one to treat the adults, and the other for the children. A guest came, and asked who they were. The head of the household replied: "These are our eminent physicians." The guest asked what their specialities were. He replied: "This is the big one and that is the small one."
#wordplay. Xiǎo'ér 小兒 means "infant" or "child", but was also used to address a servant.
舊話呂洞賔戯白牡丹。白問其陽何物。荅曰。仙人種也。呂亦問其陰。荅曰。小兒窠。
There's an old story about the immortal Lü Dongbin teasing White Peony. White Peony pointed to his manhood (yang) and asked him what that was, and he replied: "That's for planting immortal seed." Lü Dongbin pointed to her yin and asked her what that was, and she replied: "That's a nest for little boys."
Lü Dongbin 呂洞賔 is one of the Eight Immortals 八仙, and one of the stories about him is how he teased the prostitute White Peony (Bai Mudan 白牡丹).
夜啼^
Bawling at night
小兒苦夜啼。迎醫治之。醫用藥訖。因留宿。夜半。使童子潜探兒啼止否。還報曰。兒不啼。兒母啼矣。
A baby was bawling through the night, and so a physician was invited to treat it. The physician fed it medicine, and stayed over for the night. At midnight, he sent an errand-boy to check if the baby had stopped bawling. He came back to report: "The baby is not bawling, but its mother is."
一說還報云。小兒不啼。大人啼矣。醫曰。問大人也要藥吃否。
Another version says, that he came back to report that the baby was not bawling, but the master of the household was. The doctor said: "Ask the master if he would also like to have some medicine."
身𤍠^
Fever
小兒患身熱。服藥而［死］。其父詣醫家咎之。醫不信。自往騐視。撫兒尸。謂其父曰。你太欺心。身子幸已凉矣。
A child fell ill with fever, and died after receiving medicine. His father accused the physician of failing to do his duty. The physician did not believe this, and came himself to check. On touching the child's body, he turned to the father and said: "You're spreading lies; the fever's gone!"
此與醫駝背用夹板者同。人但知此是笑話。不知執古方治病。頭痛醫頭脚痛醫脚者。皆此類也。
This is the same sort of person who uses a vise to cure a hunchback. One doesn't need to be told that's a joke, but the old way of treating illness, only treating the head when there's a headache and only treating the foot when there's a footache, is cut from the same cloth.
藥闘^
Fighting medicine
110病兒服藥後。腹痛甚。兒父走問醫者。醫者曰。無訪此。吾藥與病鬦耳。言未畢。家人跟蹌而至。報兒［死］矣。醫拊掌曰。我說鬦我的藥不［過］。
A sick child was given some medicine, but his belly started hurting very much. The child's father went to ask the physician, and the physician said: "Don't ask any more, it's just the medicine fighting the illness." But before he could finish speaking, a family member came running up to report that the child had died. The physician clapped his hands and said: "I told you that my medicine can't be beaten in a fight!"
包殯殮^
A decent burial
一幼醫藥［死］人兒。々家詬之曰。汝若好々殯殮我兒。我無言矣。醫許。以帶歸䖏置。因約兒于藥箱中。々途又遇一病家邀去。啟箱用藥。誤露［死］兒。病家驚問。對曰。這是我帶去包活的。111
A physician killed somebody's child with his medicine. The child's family abuses him, and told him, "if you take away my child's body for burial, we shall not pursue the matter further." The physician agreed, and took the body with him as he went off, packing it into one of his medicine cases. On the road, he encountered yet another patient. Reaching into a case for medicine, he accidentally revealed the dead child's corpse. The patient was shocked, and asked for an explanation. He explained, "I'm taking this one off to be revived."
又^
A decent burial (2)
有醫［死］人兒。許以袖回殯殮者。其家恐見欺。命僕随之。至橋中。忽取［死］兒擲諸河。僕怒曰。如何拋了我家小舍。醫曰。非也。因舉左袖曰。汝家的自在。
A physician killed a child by his malpractice, and agreed to take the corpse off for a burial, carrying it in his sleeve. The dead child's family was afraid that he would trick them, and so ordered a servant to follow him. When he came to a bridge, he suddenly tossed the corpse into the river. The servant was furious, saying, "why did you toss away my young master?" The physician replied, "I did not." He raised his left sleeve, and said, "your young master is in this sleeve."
學游水^
Learning to swim
一醫生醫壞人。為喪家所縛。夜自脫。赴水遁歸。見其子方讀。脉訣。遽謂曰。我兒。讀書尚緩還是學游水要緊。112
A physician had killed one of his patients, and was tied up by the late patient's family. He managed to loose himself at night, and escaped back to his home by hiding in water. He saw his son who was just reading about the pulse in medicine, and suddenly said to him, "my boy, reading of books can wait. What's more urgent is that you learn how to swim."
冥王訪名醫^
Hades seeks a good physician
冥王遣冥卒訪陽間名醫。命之曰。門前無寃鬼者即是。每［過］醫門。寃鬼畢集。最後至一家。見門前獨鬼徬徨。曰。此可當名醫矣。問之。乃昨日新竪藥牌者。
Hades despatched his minions to seek out a good physician in the world of the living, telling them: "You will know when you come to a good physician because he will have no aggrieved spirits hanging around his door." But at every physician's doorway, the minions of Hades found plenty of aggrieved spirits. Finally they came to one physician's house where there was only one aggrieved spirit walking to and fro in front of it. They said to each other: "This must be finally the good physician!" But when they asked, it turned out that he had only started his practice yesterday.
賠^
Compensation
一醫。々［死］人兒。即以己兒賠之。無何。醫死人僕。家止一僕。入以賠之。一夜又有叩門者。云娘々產裡病。煩看。醫私謂妻曰。又看中意你了。113
A physician, who killed someone's child when treating it, compensated him with his own child. Soon afterward, he killed someone's servant, and offered up a servant from his own household as compensation. One evening, yet another came knocking on his door, saying: "My mistress at home is sick, please come and see her." The physician whispered to his wife: "Looks like someone is interested in you."
殭蚕^
Silkworm larvae
一醫甚無生理。忽求藥者至。開箱取藥。中多蛀虫。人問此何物。曰殭蚕。又問殭蚕如何是活的。曰。喫我藥耳。
A physician had no business for a long time, when he finally had a patient who needed medicine. When he opened his medicine chest, it was full of bookworms. The patient asked him what they were, and he replied that they were silkworm larvae. The patient asked again, how is it that they are alive? The physician replied: because they ate some of my medicine.
Dried silkworm larvae (jiāngcán 僵蠶) are used in traditional Chinese medicine.
只怕人喫了。倒做了殭蚕。
One fears that if humans eat it, they would themselves turn into silkworm larvae.
怨算命^
Blaming the fortune-teller
或見醫者。問以生意如何。荅曰。不要說起。都被算命先生悞了。嘱我有病人家莫走。114
Someone went to see a physician, and asked him how his business was doing. He replied: "Let's not talk about it. It's been ruined by the fortune-teller. He's ordered me not to make any house-calls."
Probably because he'll ruin the fortune-teller's business by killing all the customers.
自飲^
Self-medication
一醫賣生熟藥。俱不發市。乃煎成藥飲賣之。至夜。無來問者。恨曰。這等沒生意。活他做甚便取所煎藥自飲。
A medicine peddler was selling fresh herbs, but no customers came calling, so he boiled them up to make a herbal brew to sell. Night came and still no customers came. In a fit of despair, he said: "There's no business to be had here, what's the point in living?" And so he took his herbal brew and drank it all down himself.
看脉^
Taking pulses
有醫壞人者。罰牽麥十擔。牽畢。放歸。明日有叩門者曰。請先生看脉。麥醫應曰。曉得了。先淘在那裡。我就來牽也。115
There was a physician who was punished for malpractice with hard labor, by being made to haul half a ton of dried pulses. The day after he was released, there came a knock on the door: "We need you to come and take a pulse." The doctor replied: "Alright, just dump it over there and I'll come out later to haul it."
One dàn 擔 (picul) is about 50 kilograms. Ten piculs are hence about half a metric ton.
Phonetic wordplay
送藥^
Gift of medicine
一醫遷居。謂鄰舍曰。向來打攪。無物可將別敬。每位奉藥一帖。鄰舍辭以無病。醫曰。喫我藥起來。自然有病。
A physician moved house, and called on his new neighbors, saying: "I have been bothering you all lately, but haven't yet brought anything as a greeting gift. Here is a gift of medicine for everybody." The neighbor protested that there was nothing wrong with him, and the physician replied: "Once you eat my medicine, there will definitely be something wrong."
罵^
Scolding
病家請醫看。醫許以無事。費多金。竟不起。病家恨甚。遣僕往罵之。頃間便回。問曾罵否。曰。不曾。問何以不罵。曰。罵者太多。教我如何擠得上。116
A sick person called for a physician. The physician said that everything would be fine, but even after spending a lot of money, he was still not better. He was very angry and sent his servant to go berate the physician. In a short while, the servant was back. When asked if he had scolded the physician, he said no. "Why not?" asked the master. The servant replied: "There were too many people there who wanted to scold him. I couldn't squeeze my way through."
願脚踢^
Willing to be kicked
樵人擔柴。誤觸醫士。醫怒。欲揮拳。樵跪曰寧受脚踢。旁人訝之。樵曰。經他手。定是難活。
A woodcutter was carrying wood, and accidentally hit a physician. The physician was furious, and wanted to slap him. The woodcutter fell to his knees and said that he would rather be kicked. Onlookers were perplexed. The woodcutter explained: "Anyone who passes through his hands is uncertain to live."
歪嘴求藥^
Twisted medicine
This heading probably refers to the xiehouyu "歪嘴喊人" wāizuǐ hǎnrén ("calling out to someone through a twisted mouth"), to which the response "斜叫" xiéjiào ("a slanted cry") is a homophone for "邪教" ("religious cult").
有患嘴歪者。叩醫求藥辭云。我是裡科。無此等藥。歪嘴曰。難道特地做一箇郎中。枳嘴术直丸也沒得在家裡。吳音嘴同枳直同术
A man was afflicted with a twisted mouth, and went to beseech a physician for medicine. The physician said: "My field is internal medicine, I don't have any drugs for you." The man with the twisted mouth said: "Do you mean to say that you've gone to all this trouble to become a physician, and you don't have any 'straight-mouth' pills at home?"
In the Wu dialect, 嘴 (zuǐ) "mouth" is homophonous to 枳 (zhǐ) "bitter orange", and 直 (zhí) "straight" to 术 (in this meaning pronounced zhú) "cangzhu plant".
#wordplay. Both the fruit of the bitter orange (Citrus trifoliata) and rhizomes of the cangzhu plant (Atractylodes chinensis) are commonly used in traditional Chinese medicine.
跳虱藥跳音條^
Lice medicine
117一人寫招牌。出賣上好跳虱藥。問如何用藥。曰捉住跳虱。以藥抹其嘴。即［死］矣。問者曰。既捉住。何不搯殺了省事。曰。如此說來。你的方子更好。
Someone put up a sign to advertise his medicine for killing lice. When asked how to use the medicine, he said: "First you catch the louse, then smear the medicine on its mouth until it dies." "Since I've already caught it, why not just crush it and be done with it?" "Now that you say it, that might work even better."
疥藥^
Scabies medicine
有醫者招牌書神妙疥瘡藥。適求藥者至。醫指架上葫蘆令其自取。求藥者責其懶。荅以病疥。問既病疥。何不抹此藥。曰。惟其抹之耳。
A physician put out a sign to advertise his miraculous scabies cure. Someone came by and requested his medicine. The physician pointed to some gourd-bottles on a shelf and told him to get it for himself. The customer criticized his laziness, to which he said: "That's because I have scabies." The customer said: "Since it's scabies, why don't you smear on some of your medicine?" He replied: "Have you ever tried smearing medicine onto a (scabies) mite?"
診僧脉^
118有留僧宿書房者。僧適病。迎醫視之。醫見精室。疑以為房惟中也。及診脉。遂言經事不調。及胎前產后。諸症。僧揭帳。視醫而笑。醫謂僧曰。小舍々。你莫笑。令堂的病凶在那裡。
補藥^
Tonic
一醫止宿病家。夜半。尿急不便。乃出于一藥。格中閉之。晨起。主人請用藥。偶欲抽視此格。醫堅不許。主人問是何藥。荅曰。我自喫的補藥在內。119
A physician was staying over at a patient's house. In the middle of the night, he urgently needed to pee, and so did it into a medicine bottle. In the morning, the householder came for his dose of medicine, and happened to pick out that very bottle. The physician stopped him, and the householder asked what medicine that was. The physician replied: "That's some tonic medicine for my own use."
有謂小便為還魂湯。服之益人。然則此乃還魂飯也。名為補藥宜矣。
Some call urine "soul-restoring soup", and use it as a stimulant. If that's the case, then there should likewise be a "soul-restoring rice" that would be easy to sell as a tonic medicine.
方相^
Funerary idol
方相路遇醫人。扯住痛哭。旁人問曰。為何如此悲切。方相訴曰。一言難盡。自彼行醫。使我日々不得安閒。
A funerary idol [fāngxiàng] met a physician on the road, and stopped in his tracks and started crying. A bystander asked: "Why are you in such grief?" The funerary idol replied: "There's so much I could say. Ever since he started practicing medicine, I haven't been able to have a day's rest!"
子中狀元^
The son who aced the exam
一醫生之子。學問平々。忽中狀元。不觧其故。乃齋宿城隍廟中。求神指示。夢神曰。汝知發大魁之故乎。以120汝父有大陰功也。曰。吾父一醫生。何太陰功之有。神曰。他陰功最大雖做醫生。從不曾用藥。
A physician had a son whose academic abilities were only so-so, but he unexpectedly scored the top position in the exam. Puzzled about how this happened, the son went to the temple of the town god, and asked the spirits for guidance. When he slept, the deity came to him in his dreams. He asked: "What was the reason for my unexpected success?" The spirit replied: "Your father has great hidden powers." He said: "My father is a physician. What kind of great hidden powers could this be?" The spirit answered: "Although he is a physician, he has never used medicines - this is his great hidden power."
乳癰^
Breast tumor
一婦左乳生癰。醫往視。乃弄其右乳。婦怒詰之。醫曰。像了此乳。有甚事來。
A woman had a tumor on her left breast. But when she went to see a physician, he started manipulating her right breast. She furiously asked what he was doing, and he replied: "Judging by the other one, this one will have problems coming."
箭^
Arrow
一人往觀武塲。飛箭誤穿其耳。迎外科治之。醫用小鋸々其外簳。即索謝求去。內截如何。曰。這待裡科121來。
Someone went to watch a military display, when a stray arrow pierced his ear. A surgeon was brought to him, who used a small saw to saw off the arrow shaft protruding from his ear, and asked for his fee. "What about the bit that's stuck inside?" The reply came: "That will have to wait for the specialist in internal medicine."
經騐方^
方上醫者聞一良方。即筆之。途遇賊。伏林莽潜窺。見羣盜方殺一大卵脬者。首墜而脬已縮小。乃取筆記之曰。醫大卵脬經騐方。
謝醫^
有害眼赤者。百方不效。或教以將己尿抹之。如言。遂愈。一日小觧。向湯物。言曰。虧你醫好我眼。我要結巾122送你。你時大時小。要做衣送你。又時短時長。人問何為自言自語。荅云。我正打㸃謝醫。
一說。人問這是你自家屋裡郎中。謝他則甚。荅曰。越是自家屋裡郎中。謝到要緊。盖醫者為親所嘲云。
前知^
一卜者善揣摩。素稱前知。晚年多不騐。其子曰。時勢＝上執＝不同也。欲騐。亦甚易耳。父使次日試之。于晨起。見大123風雨。意今日必無人矣。俄有求卜者。即問曰。汝東北方來乎。曰然。汝姓張乎。曰然。汝為尊正卜乎。亦曰然。卜畢而去。父驚問何以知之。子荅云。今日乃東北風。其人面西而來。故肩背俱濕也。且其來甚早。手尚執燈。明寫清河字。非張姓而何。父曰。是則然矣。何以知其為妻卜也。曰。如此風雨。起黑。早來卜不為老婆難道為爺娘不成。
傷時之甚。124
星相^
街市失火。延燒百餘家。止兩家不動。問之。則一星家。一相家也。問火𤏲𤏲音着時。何以獨免。荅曰。星相家自然不𤏲的。
Phonetic wordplay. 星相 is astrology
相々^
有設帳行相者。扯一行人要相。其人曰。我倒相看你了。相者問云。你相如何。曰。我相你决是相不着的。
三阿弟^
Third Brother
125漢時有一神相來訪劉玄德。劉使觀相。々者曰。汝相甚好。白面而白心。因令相雲長。相者曰。汝相亦好。赤面而赤心。劉聞之。急握張翼德手曰。三阿弟險矣。莫相罷。
During the Han period, a famous physiognomist came to visit Liu Bei. Liu allowed him to read his fortune from his features, and the physiognomist said: "Your features are very fine. Your face is fair and so is your heart." He then went to read the face of Guan Yu, and told him: "Your features are exceedingly fine. A ruddy face and a ruddy heart." Liu heard this, and rushed to see Zhang Fei. Taking his hand, he said: "Third Brother - your face is not your fate, is it?"
Liu Bei 劉備 (courtesy name 玄德), Guan Yu 關羽 (courtesy name 雲長), and Zhang Fei 張飛 (courtesy name 翼德) were three famous sworn brothers in the Three Kingdoms era, whose story is told in the Romance of the Three Kingdoms 《三國演義》. Guan Yu is usually depicted with a reddish complexion, and Zhang Fei with a black one.
風水^
Fengshui
有酷信風水者。動輒問陰陽家。一日偶坐墻下。忽墻倒被壓。亟呼救命。家人軰曰。且忍看。待我去問陰陽先生。今日可動得土否。126
There was a man who believed deeply in fengshui, and wouldn't do anything without first asking a fengshui master's advice. One day he was sitting by a wall, when the wall suddenly fell down and trapped him. He cried out for help, and one of his household responded: "Hang in there, while I go ask the fengshui master, whether it is permissible to dig today."
微俗多溺風水。甚者盜埋易骨。無所不至。又有覔得一善地者。云極富貴。但須尅［過］士人。乃發。其人欣然定穴。問其親丁幾何。自數不［過］六人耳。尤可笑。袁了凡先生訪地。至光福。問一村農。曰。頗聞此䖏隹穴否。曰。小人生長于斯。三十餘年矣。但見帶紗帽者來尋地。不見帶紗帽者來上墳。先生嘿然而去。此村農近有道者。要之風水不可過信。亦不可不信。余又聞一笑話云。有于暑月舟行者。鄰127人止之曰。語云朝華不出市。今日天色必變。風々水々。行船不易。勿出可也。其人不從前途。果值風雨。幾覆夜往謝鄰人。鄰人曰。我原說有風水的。你自不信耳。
巫^
一巫者方降神。被被音披髮謾語。適官府［過］。見之大怒。命擒來。問為何人。巫惶廹叩頭曰。小的是金元七搃管。
燒丹^
128問燒丹者曰。師父既善㸃化。何不自㸃些用。曰。貧無本錢。又問師父。既赤貧有何謝師。而學此妙術。曰。向來原係富家。又問富家何以得。貧曰。都是燒丹燒盡。129
A reference to the Analects, Zi Zhang 4: 子夏曰：「雖小道，必有可觀者焉；致遠恐泥，是以君子不為也。」 - Zi Xia said, "Even in inferior studies and employments there is something worth being looked at; but if it be attempted to carry them out to what is remote, there is a danger of their proving inapplicable. Therefore, the superior man does not practice them." (Legge translation)