Chapter 3

Meeting a burglar (1)

A burglar broke into a poor man's house, but couldn't find anything worth stealing despite searching all over. So he spat on the ground and opened the door to leave. The poor man was lying on the bed and saw him, and called out: "Lowlife! Open the door and get out of here." The burglar said: "It's just too much if even someone like you calls me a lowlife."

Another version says that the poor man called out to the burglar to shut the door behind him. The burglar laughed and said: "I'll ask you instead - is there any point in closing it?" This has more wit. An old version has the man telling the burglar: "Will you latch the door for me." The burglar said: "It's this sort of damned laziness that keeps you from making something of yourself." The poor man replied: "Why should I bother making something only for you to steal it?"

Meeting a burglar (2)

A burglar saw someone wearing new clothes, and thought that he might be rich, and so tailed him home and broke into his house at night. The man was actually poor, and was not yet asleep, and so fended off the burglar with pots and pans. The burglar sighed and said: "He not only wears fine things, but also has a well-furnished house." The man replied, saying: "It looks good to you on the outside, but you don't know how painstakingly they have been patched up on the inside."

Meeting a burglar (3)

A burglar broke into a poor household. This household kept its grain in a small jar standing in front of the bed. The burglar took off his robe and set in on the ground, before going to pour out the grain from the jar. The person lying on the bed secretly took away the burglar's robe, before crying "thief!" The burglar said: "There has been a thief! I had just put my robe down there, and now it's gone!"

Another version says that the burglar had already lost his robe, and said: "There was already a burglar here." The joke is best told with a straight face.

Meeting a burglar (4)

Two sleeves

A and B were both poor. In the depth of midwinter, A was wearing a single-layered shift, while B was wearing a jacket pasted together from scraps of old rags. A laughed at B, saying: "How can you keep out the cold, with that jacket of yours?" B said: "Both of us have two arms [i.e. we're in the same boat], why do you make fun of me?" A said: "Well I'm doing a bit better than you are." B asked: "In what way?" A replied: "I've got these two extra folds down here."

Blanket

A poor fisherman used his net as a blanket in the winter. In the middle of the night, he poked his finger through the net, and said to himself: "On such a cold night as this, it must be so hard on those who don't have blankets. I wonder how they can survive."

Debt

A debtor went looking for a loan. The creditor said to him, "I don't need a loan certificate. All I ask for is a portrait of you." When asked why, he replied, "I fear that when I go to collect on the debt, you won't be showing this face to me."

Wearing a basket

A man was trying to avoid his creditors. He had to leave the house for some business, but was afraid of being recognized, and so put a basket over his head. One of his creditors recognized him anyway, and gave the basket a sharp knock, saying: "When will you pay me back?" He replied: "Tomorrow." Just as this moment, the rain started pouring heavily, and rattled the basket to no end. The man panicked and said: "Probably tomorrow!"

Say it out loud

A creditor was having a hard time collecting a debt. When he pressed the debtor, he instead got the reply, "do you really want me to say it out loud?" Feeling uneasy at this, the creditor sighed and went away. This happened several times, until one day he decided to buckle down and insist, saying, "just say it out loud, I'm not afraid of you." Whereupon the debtor replied, "do you really want me to say it?" "Just say it." "I'm not paying you back."

Interpreting dreams

A debtor told his creditor: "I don't have long to live. Last night, I dreamed that I was dead." The creditor replied: "Dreams are the inverse of reality. Dreaming about your death means that you'll live." The debtor said: "Oh there was one more dream. I dreamed that I paid back my debt."

Chairs

A household had so many creditors seeking payment, that all their chairs were occupied, and some were even sitting on the threshold. The householder spoke privately with those sitting on the threshold, saying, "why don't you come back early tomorrow?" They thought that this meant he would resolve their business at this time, and so chattering among themselves, they dispersed. The next day at dawn, they came to the house. Knocking on the door, they expressed their intentions. Instead, they were told, "I meant that if you came early you would get to sit in a chair."

Protecting a debt

There was a debtor who flung himself into an empty well in order to avoid his creditor. The creditor was shocked, and called on him to come out. The debtor replied: "I'm not going to come out. Even if I did, I wouldn't have anything to pay you with." The creditor said: "It doesn't matter, come out right away, and I'll burn the bond paper." The debtor again refused to come out: "That's very generous, but I won't come out. My family is very poor." The creditor said: "Come out right away, and I'll pay you a stipend." The debtor again said: "That's very generous, but I won't come out. I have good friends who are even poorer than I am. You'll have to give them a loan of ten gold pieces." The creditor said: "It should be enough that I do you a kindness. Why should I also do that for your friends?" ...

Updating the loan

Someone borrowed a sum of five taels at an interest rate of 40% and a maturity period of ten months. The loan was due, and he was supposed to pay seven taels, but he told his creditor: "I can't make the payment at present, but why don't you lend me another three taels, and [to make things simple] let's just make out a new loan contract for a principal of ten taels." The creditor did this, and after another ten months, he was due to pay fourteen taels. The debtor again said: "I can't make it again this year, but why don't you lend me another one tael and we'll make out a new loan contract for fifteen taels?" The creditor was reluctant, but after much persuasion he went along with it. Another ten months passed. The debtor now owed twenty-one taels, but again pulled the same trick and begged for four taels to make up a principal of twenty-five taels. The creditor looked reluctant, and the debtor was enraged, saying: "Why do you make things so difficult? Has there ever been a year when I've left the interest unpaid?"

Taken

There was a debtor who repeatedly refused to honor his debt. The creditor was furious, and sent a servant to kidnap him. While carrying him back, the servant took a break by the road. The debtor said to him, "you'd better hurry along. If you dally here, and someone else manages to grab me, it's not my problem."

An old story has it that the King of Hades ordered that a man named Cai Qing be brought to him, but his demon-servants misheard him and seized the Debt Spirit (Zhai Jing) instead. When the spirit was brought to court, the King realized the mistake and ordered that he be released back to where he came from. The Debt Spirit said: "Why don't you let me hide out here for a while? I don't really need to be anywhere." The ones who hauled him away had a hard time getting rid of him.

A small debt

A man owed a small sum of money. However, every time that someone came round to collect the debt, he said that he wasn't at home. One day, he said the same thing, but the creditor recognized that the voice belonged to the debtor, and said to him: "You are at home! When will you return my money?" He replied: "I'm not the one you're looking for, I'm just a relative." At this point, the creditor poked a hole in the paper window and saw that it was indeed the debtor. The debtor was furious, and said: "For that small sum of money, why did you have to ruin my window? I'll only return it after the window has been patched up." The creditor said: "That's not difficult to do. I'll come back once it's fixed." The man replied: "I'm not at home right now."

Betrothal

A man went to the toilet, where there happened to be already a woman in the stall. The woman had forgotten to bring toilet paper, and so said aloud: "If anyone could give me some, I would be willing to be his wife." The man heard this and gave her the toilet paper that he brought for himself through a crack in the wall. The woman cleaned herself up, and left. The man sighed, saying: "I may have managed to find myself a wife today, but when will I be able to clean my bum?"

Beggar

A beggar accumulated two wine bottles full of millet, and considered himself to be rich. One day, he went to the market with a companion. Along the way he overheard someone saying that he had stored up three hundred tons of grain. The beggar stepped on his friend's foot and said: "You hear that? What a liar! I don't believe that anyone can have that many wine bottles at home."

Beggar (2)

A beggar gave up eating dog meat. The other beggars told him that he couldn't do that. He said: "I've given it up for a long while." They replied: "You may have given it up, but it hasn't given you up."

Beggar (3)

A beggar had a lame leg, and so hid his gold under that leg. His dog went to sniff at it, and the beggar said: "Stupid beast! What's the rush? When I die, all of it will be yours anyway."

Going back

A servant fancied that his master was poor, and so ran away. The master later won his degree to be an official, and the servant asked to return to his household, but he master wouldn't allow it. The servant kept on begging, and the master got angry, ordered him to come in, and punished him with twenty lashes. After this, the servant stood just inside the gate, unwilling to step out. The doorkeeper advised him to leave quickly. The servant said: "As of today I am a bona fide member of his household." The doorkeeper said: "Since he beat you, and definitely doesn't want to keep you, how can you be a member of his household?" The servant replied: "If I wasn't a member of his household, how could he have the right to beat me?"

Fighting over position

The nose and brows were fighting over their position. The nose said: "I'm the first to know if something smell sweet or foul. My abilities are superior. What can you do? The higher seat belongs to me." The brows replied: "Even if that were the case, let's say the nose-head sits on top in the place of honor. What kind of world would that be?"

In the Wu region, "nose-head" is a colloquial term for "servant".

Restraint

There was a man who was selling himself into service, and said that he would never rock the boat, never go backwards, and would hold back when he saw rice in front of him. A master took this to mean that he would be careful, forward looking, and eat with restraint, and so hired him. Later, when their boat was stuck in the mud of a river bank, the servant refused to help, because he said that he would never rock the boat. When his master asked him to plant seedlings in the field, he refused, because he said that he would never go backwards. His master was incensed. When they were having their meal, the servant was scarfing down rice without end. "Didn't you say that you would hold back when you see rice?" To which the servant pointed to his open maw and said: "Do you see any rice?"

Selling paper

A man went to the toilet, just when there was someone already in the next stall. The neighbor discovered that he was out of toilet paper, and said that he would be willing to pay a cash for it. The man happened to have extra paper, and earned a cash. He thought that there was much profit to be made from this, and the next day returned carrying a bale of toilet paper, and set up by the toilet hoping that someone would buy it. Someone who knew about this said: "Yesterday was a chance occurrence. This is a place for shitting (chugong, lit. ...), how can one hope to be making money?"

Itchy eye

A man met his enemy on the road, and captured him. Knowing that his enemy was fond of cleanliness, he sealed off a room with paper, and locked his enemy in there with someone who farted liberally. The next day, guessing that his enemy must be doing poorly, he poked a hole in the papered-over window and peeked inside. However, his eye was struck by the escaping fart-gases and started to itch terribly. He went to consult a physician, who told him: "I can treat red eyes, and I can treat white eyes. But what am I to do with an itchy fart-eye (colloquial term for anus)?"

What's so hard to treat about an itchy anus? Hasn't this physician read the chapter in the medical books about intestinal gas?

The gay bridegroom

A gay man was newly wed. When he climbed into bed, he immediately started pawing the bum of his bride, wanting to do it from behind. The bride said: "That's wrong." He replied: "Since I was small, this is how I've learned to do it. What do you mean it's wrong?" The wife said: "Since I was small, what I learned to do was something else."

Another gay man completed his bridal night, but the very next day went to sleep elsewhere. The bride went back to her mother's home to complain: "I don't want to be with him any more." The mother was shocked, and asked why. She replied: "I'm the daughter of a good family; I don't want to go be his tortoise!"

The gay bridegroom (2)

A gay bridegroom was in bed with his bride for the first time. He pressed up against her with his bum. She felt it, and cried in surprise: "Why isn't there anything here?" He in turn felt her with his hand, and cried in surprise: "Why isn't there anything here either?"

Silk coat

A petty official went out wearing a silk coat. Someone saw it, and said: "That is strange silk! It's not woven from the silk of silkworms, but the silk of spiders." When asked the reason why, the person said: "Every strand has been pulled out of an asshole."

Dreams

A prostitute and her john had not seen each other for a long time, and eventually were reunited. They both talked about their thoughts. The prostitute said: "There hasn't been a night that I haven't dreamed about you, sleeping together, eating together, playing together, now I have collected my thoughts for you." The john said: "I have also dreamed of it." The prostitute asked: "And how did you dream?" The john said: "I dreamed of you but didn't dream of me."

Lambskin jacket

A prostitute received a john from the North. When it was time for him to leave, the prostitute wanted to warm his affections, and lied to him, saying: "I am three months pregnant, and it is your flesh and blood. You must come back to see it." The john believed this, and when the time came, the prostitute was in a bind. She took a small white dog, placed it in a baby basket, and covered it with a blanket. She lied to the john, saying: "Your son has been born!" The customer uncovered it and was very happy. As he stroked the dog, he said, "this is indeed my own flesh and blood; in his mother's womb he already put on a lambskin jacket."

Little maiden

A female dog and a bull had relations and brought forth a child. When it was grown, someone asked it whom its parents were. Pointing to the bull, it said, "this is my father." Pointing to the dog, it said, "this is my mother." The person said in surprise: "How could this big old official be paired with such a little maiden?"

Embrace

A tiger and snake were in the throes of love. The snake coiled its body around the tiger's waist, embracing it tighter and tighter, and was reluctant to let go. What happened next? Well, it ended up embracing the tiger to death.

An official borrows a table

A government official is eating at home, and wanted to borrow a table from the neighbors. His wife said: "We have one already, why go borrow one?" The official laughed and said: "I've been so accustomed to eating with my legs stretched under someone else's table."

Catching a fart

An official was holding court, when someone in the crowd let out a fart. The official asked: "What made that sound? Hand it over!" A servant reported: "It can't be handed over." The official said: "Don't try to cheat. Hand it over!" The servant wrapped up a turd in a piece of paper and returned, saying: "The culprit has fled, but I have brought here his household."