Preface

From ancient times to the present day, there is nothing that cannot be spoken of, and no speech that cannot be the subject of humor. That Heaven and Earth were made from formless chaos, that past rulers ruled and fought, who among us has borne witness? We have only words to tell us about them. Words from the past are just like words in the present. It is laughable to be always suspicious of them, but it is yet more laughable to be completely trusting of them. The books of the classics, the philosophers, and the histories are just perverse talk, yet we strive to teach and transmit them. Poetry, odes, and essays are just idle talk, yet we strive to perfect them. To extend or to withhold praise and criticism is just nonsense, yet we strain to avoid it. Whether laughing at people or being laughed at by people, the one who laughs will be laughed at by others, while the one being laughed at will laugh at others in turn. When will the laughter ever stop?

The Storehouse of Laughter is a collection of humor. These thirteen chapters do not amount to very much. If the reader is gladdened by this book - please don't be gladdened. If the reader is angered by this book - please don't be angered. The world through the ages has been but one great storehouse of laughter. You and I are all in it together. It is offered up here as something to talk about. Not to speak is to be inhuman, not to laugh is not to speak. The world would not be formed without laughter or speech. The Laughing Buddha is my teacher, he is my teacher indeed!

Chapter 1

Ancient treasures

The Master of Mo-han Studio says: Ancient treasures refer to those things that have been the subject of admiration since days of old. In times of plenty, grain is allowed to molder in the store-house and thread is allowed to rot, while men ride sturdy carriages and whip fat horses. What person doesn't want riches? Those who dwell in riches can hardly avoid being the subject of laughter.

There was an old man who had three sons. As he was nearing death, he asked them what they aspired to do. The eldest said: I want fortune - a heap of a million gold pieces. The middle son said: I want to be an official - one of the great officers of state. The youngest son said: I want a pair of big eyes. The father was surprised and asked why. The son replied: I need a big pair of eyes, to see how long their riches can last.

Fortune and tragedy are disciples of the same master. Who will not take heed of this warning? Here begins the chapter on Ancient Treasures.

Rich man's cap

A rich man instructed a cowherd to dry his cap (typically only worn by scholars) in the sun. The cowherd put it on the horns of his cow to dry. The cow came to the water, saw its own reflection, and fled in shock. The cowherd went around asking: "Has anyone seen a cow wearing a cap?"

Borrowing a cow

Someone sent a letter to a rich man, asking to borrow a cow from him. When the letter came, the rich man was with a guest, and didn't want to reveal that he was illiterate. And so he opened the letter, pretended to read it, and said to the messenger: "Everything is well, in a moment I will come in person."

Despite being illiterate, he was of the same opinion.

There was a rich man who went to seek repayment of a debt, but he held the contract upside-down. The debtor laughed at him, and the rich man was furious, saying: "I'm holding this up for you to read! Why would I need to read it?" Another version: A rich man was with a guest, when the neighboring household sent a letter. The rich man opened it to take a look. The guest asked him what the letter was about. The host replied: "It's an invitation go drink some wine with them." The messenger said: "Actually it's not. My master would like to borrow your brass gongs and drums for use." The rich man laughed and said: "If he wants to borrow my brass instruments, wouldn't he have to treat me to a drink?" One has to admire his quick thinking.

Unicorn

Confucius saw a dead unicorn and could not stop crying. His disciples debated how to console him, and decided to tie coins to a cow. They showed it to Confucius and said: "Look, the unicorn is still alive!" Confucius saw it, and said: "That's not a unicorn; it's just a cow with a bit of money."

#wordplay

The Jiangxin Bandit

A newly-rich man was worried day and night about bandits. One day he went with his friends to the Jiangxin Temple (in Wenzhou). On the wall was a placard saying "Jiangxin Endowment", but he misread the word "endowment" (賦 fù) as "bandit" (賊 zéi - the characters look similar). Shocked, he wanted to run away and hide. His friends asked him what was the matter, and he said: "The Jiangxin Bandit is here!" His friends saw the error, and said: "That's not 'bandit' but 'endowment'/'tax'." "An endowment comes from a tax, and ultimately still has the element of banditry," came the reply.

Carefree life

A ghost was waiting to be reborn, and the Lord of Hell decided that he be reborn as a rich person. The ghost said: "I don't want much riches; all I wish for is a life where I have clothes on my back and food on the table, where I don't have many responsibilities, but can spend my days burning incense and drinking bitter tea. That would be enough for me." The Lord of Hell said: "If you want silver I can give you a few ten thousand taels more, so that you can enjoy such a carefree life."

Another version says that after the ghost had spoken, the Lord of Hell himself came down from his dais, and said: "If there is such an existence to be had, please bring me with you!"

Teaching the son

A rich man was illiterate, and people persuaded him to hire a teacher to teach his son. The teacher came and started by teaching him how to hold the brush. He drew one stroke, and said "this is the number one." (一) Two strokes, "the number two." (二) Three strokes, "the number three." (三) The son then joyously tossed aside the brush, and told his father: "Even ghosts can learn how to write. I don't need a teacher any more." And so the teacher was dismissed. Soon afterwards, the father wanted to invite a relative named Wan ("thousand") to a banquet. He told his son to rise early and prepare the invitation, but after a long while it was still not ready. The father asked what was going on, and the son despairingly replied: "Of all the names to choose, why be called Thousand? From dawn till now, I've only managed Five Hundred."

Yet another person asked how to write the character "jiang" (ginger). The reply came: First the grass radical, then the number one, then the character for field, another one, another field and then the number one. The person wrote Grassnumberonefieldnumberonefieldnumberone. He looked at it and angrily said: "Why mock me like this? This isn't a character, it's a tower!"

The graduate goes for a nailing

A man went to a brothel for a nailing. After he was done and about to leave, the prostitute held on to him seeking a goodbye. He said: "I'm just a shengyuan graduate." The prostitute said: "Even if you're a jiansheng graduate, so what?" He replied: "I'm just a pointless nailing."

Examination

A jiansheng graduate was walking past the national college when he smelled wine and drunkenness. In a fury he went up to the gate and told the people there: "You deserve to be punished for such disrespect! Should we flog you? Or put you in stocks?" The reply: "We could answer an examination question as a punishment." "Sigh.... your sin is not quite so severe."

Stepping out

A jiansheng scholar had just stepped out of the examination hall (塲 chǎng) when he met someone he knew. The acquaintance greeted him with a bow, and then likewise made a greeting to a pile of pig shit by the road. The scholar asked, "why did you greet that smelly thing?" He replied, "be it smelly as it is, it also has emerged from a cháng (膓 intestines)."

Smelly and sour

A small tiger asked a big tiger, "today I ate a person, but he tasted very strange. The upper half was sour, and the lower half smelly. What kind of person was this?" The big tiger replied, "that must have been a xiucai scholar who just received an official position."

The way that jiansheng scholars have been doing things lately has such an air of sourness that they can only be called jars of vinegar.

There was a xiucai scholar who was terrified of exams, and so relied on cribs. In the examination hall, he was lost for words well into the night, and wrote in big characters on the script, "only because something, is it therefore something. If we desire that something, then why do something." The exam official saw this laughed saying, "if he could write these four sentences, it is undeniably a pretty good crib."

The official's birthday

On the birthday of an official, his staff, having found out that he was born in the year of the mouse, pooled money to cast a golden mouse for him as a present. When he received it, he gleefully said, "when you know my wife's horoscope sign, you should do the same for her. She was born in the year of the cow."

One trick that brothel-madams use to fool customers is to say that they are having a birthday. This cow of a wife seems to be taking taking a leaf from their book.

There was a drinking game, where the theme was: "Not a real bandit, but like a bandit." ...

The earth deity

A greedy official had finished his tour of duty and returned to his native place, where he found an old man sitting in his home. He asked him who he was, to which the old man replied that he was the local earth deity of the district where the official had served. When asked why he had come here, the deity replied, "you've gouged out everything you could including the skin of the earth, so how could I not follow along?"

Escaping the heat

During the summer months, an official was longing to be able to escape the heat. His colleagues chimed in with various suggestions, saying that this mountain was particularly refined, or that temple was especially refreshing. An old man came by and said: "Don't listen to any of that. My lord's court is the coolest place to be." The official asked why that was so, and he replied: "That's because it's like the sky without the sun." (An expression meaning "dark and unprincipled".)

The weather's not right

On a snowy day, a noble was inside a tent, drinking wine by a warm stove. The wine took effect, and he started to sweat, and so he said: "The weather's not quite right." Someone was standing outside the tent, and said: "Your humble servant reports that the weather is fine where I'm standing."

The official's father

There was man in a market town whose son became an official and hence received an honorific title. It was the first time that he met the local magistrate, and so he was respectfully stooping and taking small steps, and refused to take the seat of honor. The magistrate said to him: "Your esteemed son and I are of the same age, you should take the seat." To which the man replied: "What? You're also a dog like him?" (I.e. born in the year of the dog.)

There was another man who was sitting with a magistrate, with a fan in his hand. Just then, the tea was served. He tried to put the fan away but it wouldn't fold up, so he hurriedly stuffed it down his shirt. The magistrate laughed uproariously.

The official's son

Someone asked: "Is it better to be the father of an official, or the son of one?" To which the reply came: "To be the father of an official, one must have suffered for a long time. It's definitely better to be an official's son." At which point the person who asked the question suddenly dashed off. "What's the matter?" He replied: "I'm going to send my father off to school!"

There was a man whose father was an official, and his son became one too. His father was intensely jealous of him. When he asked his father why that was the case, he replied: "Your father did better than my father, and your son did better than my son."

County deputy

A deputy was illiterate, and so when he wanted to buy something he would draw a picture of it in his notebook. The magistrate came by, saw what was in his book, and piqued by it used red ink to strike out each line. The deputy came back and saw this, and angrily said, "if your court is planning to buy red candles, why write it in my book?"

New office holder

A new office holder lived separately from his father. At the beginning of the year, he went to give his greetings, but seeing as his father was not yet awake, he left a calling card (typically from an elder to junior relative), saying that he had to go to the prefecture on urgent matters, and could not personally pay his respects. The father was furious, and summoned the son to scold him, saying: "How could you greet me with a calling card!" The son turned back, and muttered under his breath: "Does he mean to say that after I have gained an office, I shouldn't recognize him as a relative?"

Perhaps he wasn't actually his father, in which case we couldn't blame him.

Target

A military official was on campaign, and close to being beaten, when suddenly a supernatural being in the guise of a soldier turned the tide and helped him win a great victory. The official kowtowed and asked the spirit for his name. The spirit replied: "I am the Spirit of Targets." The official asked: "What virtue do I have, that I deserve the kind mercy and assistance of the Spirit of Targets?" He replied: "I'm grateful to you for when you were on the training field, you never once hit me with your arrows."

Today's military officials are unwilling to practice archery, and put themselves exclusively at the mercy of the Spirit of Targets.

Night watch

A constable was doing his rounds of the night watch, to catch violators of the curfew. He caught one, who professed to be a student who was late in returning from classes. The constable told him, "since you say you are a student, then let me set you an examination topic. Would the scholar please expound upon the thoughts of the constable," When nothing was forthcoming, he said, "count yourself lucky! There is fortunately nothing to write about tonight,"

Eunuch